While Americans hate bad movies, there is one thing they hate much more.
In fact, we hate this thing so much, that unlike bad movies, we refuse to even talk about it.
This thing is an utterly taboo human behavior and discussing it with anyone automatically blackballs any decent, God-fearing, law-abiding person, from "good" society, and distinguishes them as a perverted lunatic.
It's true. We're still a bigoted and biased society, and despite our many advances we continue to loathe certain groups who practice certain types of behavior, blindly, unfairly and without any justification.
In order to be decent nowadays, to be civil and co-exist with our co-workers, family, and neighbors, one must embrace America's patriotic hatred of non-fiction reading and non-fiction readers, and never, never, under any circumstances, discuss facts or historical events or associate with anyone who tries to do so.
It is a prerequisite to acceptance around the water cooler, at the gym, in the classroom, and at the family dinner table.
Paying to see a movie like "The Love Guru" (a movie that has grossed around $25 million 1) only to predictably come away disappointed and possibly permanently brain-damaged, is considered an honest mistake and an acceptable risk.
It's a trip to the circus where we might catch a glimpse of a real freak or legitimate natural curiosity, but more often than not we're simply duped by an ingenious showman who takes our money and lies to us, and in doing so, demands our continued love, admiration and devotion.
In fact, taking a trip to the movie theater and forking out $20 on tickets and junk food to sit in an air-conditioned, concrete cave, and subject oneself to 2 hours of "potty-mouth" jokes and "funny foreigner" sketches takes courage and a dedication to a kind of stubborn ignorance which only a few cultures in the history of civilization have been able to match.
Don't get me wrong readers, dabbling in Harry Potter, Romance novels and Westerns, Celebrity and Entertainment Bios or Pop Culture Magazines, while considered eclectic or "nerdy," is still acceptable as a break from the circus, because ultimately it's still considered unserious, silly, and a quiet hobby.
But beware and be warned my fellow Americans, that the moment one picks up a newspaper, a professional journal, a news magazine, or uses the internet as a tool for independent intellectual inquiry or enlightenment, in order to ascertain facts or the truth, one has sinned against their fellow countrymen and is a treasonous pinko, an ultra-liberal, communist egghead, divorced from the everyday "reality" of most Americans and a suspicious, shady, and deranged character.
So if you're going to read, then read Harry Potter, the DaVinci Code, the Bible, or any number of fairy-tales written about magic, magicians, and alternate worlds, and for god's sakes, stay home, keep it to yourself, and under no circumstances try to understand the world you live in.
"I just get sleepy when I read," said Richard Bustos of Dallas, a habit with which millions of Americans can doubtless identify. Bustos, a 34-year-old project manager for a telecommunications company, said he had not read any books in the last year and would rather spend time in his backyard pool.2
Fair enough, Mr. Bustos, fair enough.
Mr. Bustos was quoted in 2007, the hottest year on record according to NASA, although according to NASA a few months later it was the second hottest, and again a few months later, the third hottest.2 Apparently, not even our scientists are comfortable with factual analysis and reading anymore, and are content leaving communication and analysis to their computers, confining their language skills to 1's and 0's.
This too, is permissible and necessary and preferred to cracking open a newspaper or book full of an incomprehensible chain of ultimately useless and indecipherable 26-character code.
