by Walter Brasch
"O.K., class, we have a few minutes at the end of today's lecture about how the godless Communists created evolution to try to destroy the decent loyal patriotic capitalist society of America. Any questions? Yes, Billy Bob."
"Mr. Jim Bob, I heard about this thing called a person. What is that?"
"Good question. With all the distortions by the lyin' liberal left-wing, it can get confusing. But, it's really simple. A person is an egg that has just been fertilized by a sperm. We call this young person a Zygote."
"Does it have to be a goat? Can it be anything else?"
"Well, Susie Bob, if you nurture it, that fertilized egg can grow up to be anything it wants to be, because this is the United States of America. And no one has the right to tell us white folks what to do."
"Are there advantages of being a single-celled person?"
"Definitely. Their parents don't have to wait until they emerge from the birth canal to claim them as an IRS deduction. Also, with more persons in Mississippi, we can get more single-cell congresspersons to represent us."
"Then why did our parents vote against the constitutional amendment?"
"It was a close defeat. While those abortion activists voted against the measure, most of the opposition was because us conservatives were worried that the way the proposed amendment was written would allow them liberal types to go to Washington and overturn our states' rights."
"You mean Congress can do that?"
"No, Junie Bob, the Supreme Court can do that. It was a craps roll. You see, there are four decent Americans on the Supreme Court. And there are four who are women, or Jews, or both. And they were likely to say something stupid, like the state isn't allowed to use religious dogma to justify new laws. That would mean there would be a 4--4 tie. We couldn't trust the other judge to do what's right, because he changes what side he's on all the time. Even our illustrious governor said he had doubts about how broad that amendment was, and what the courts would do."
"But he voted for it anyway."
"He's a politician, Kenny Bob. That's what they do. Next question."
"My mommy says that abortion and wearing condoms is murder, and to protect persons she plans to run down baby-killer doctors when she sees them on the streets."
"Your mommy is looking out for the best interests of the fertilized egg. In that case, the courts will rule that what your mother does is justified homicide. Just like them lynchings your pappies and grandpappies might have done for fun on some hot weekend. It sent a message that we don't tolerate uppity colored people doing dumb things like voting or demanding constitutional rights. Those were meant only for the white people."