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Ten Unbelievable News (Satire)

By       Message Mark Sashine     Permalink
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opednews.com Headlined to None 8/10/11

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1. On riots in England.  Local media reports that the only places safe today are purely British restaurants because (according to the youth twitters) the food there is so disgusting that  no one wants it anyway. French and Italian restaurants are not so lucky.

2. Big guns. Breaking news. Prince William  will address   the British rioters  tonight inviting them all to  his hunting mansion and promising unlimited killing of birds.    According to  his press- secretary that's how Royal family   is used to calm their urges to kill  the paparazzi.

3. The effect of the Downgrade. A suggestion  was presented by the  US Congress and supported by the  Israeli Knesset  to use Hebrew alphabet  for the credit grading further on. Apparently,  the highest letter  could be forbidden to use and thus it would be impossible to downgrade from it as well as to know the real score.

4. Our troops in Afghanistan.  A new uniform is designed  for the Navy Seals and their ammo after the helicopter downed: there will be a sign in red,  'We  had nothing to do with Osama  operation' painted on  the backs and sides of the vehicles of any sort, also on the backs of the current uniforms.

5. On elections. Rick Perry is entering the race. His primary slogan  is 'US is seceding from Obama'.

6. The passions of Michelle Bachmann.  Apparently, during one of her speeches Michelle repeated  the statement that 'her heart is in the right place.' When confronted by the medical statement that all humans have their hearts located 'at the left place', Michelle announced   that she had two hearts.

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7.  Karl Rove is back!  This time  Karl plans  first to run Rick Perry's campaign and after the win- to be appointed a Super Czar-a liason officer between the White House and the Supercommittee.

8. On Supercomittee.  Rumor says it that there is only one criteria  on the basis of which  the members will be appointed- they must be ABSOLUTELY  MALICIOUS IDIOTS.  There is  a  huge competition.

9. Obama talking.  Someone should caution our President. When he stated  that 'US always was, is and will be the AAA country',  he should be reminded that  Hitler said that 'Berlin always was, is and will remain a German city' right in 1945.   Clishees do not work, Mr. President.  Never did.

10. The Math problem. American public likes the govt services but does not want taxes to be risen. In 1980s Soviet mathemathician  E. Ventzel defined such  fomulation of the  optimization problem as intrinsically incorrect.  If only US kids know math well enough they could challenge their  unfortunate voting parents  in that issue.

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The writer is 57 years old, semi- retired engineer, PhD, PE, CEM. I write fiction on a regular basis and I am also 10 years on OEN.


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