Satire: Vacation Advice for the Power Elite

JFK vacationed in Hyannis Port, playing touch football with the nieces and nephews. Richard Nixon vacationed on a yacht, smoking Cubans with Bebe Rebozo. Moral: Some know the importance of the right holiday plans and others… not so much. And, it’s not just presidents who have much to gain or lose at “out of office reply” time of year – there is who you will be rubbing shoulders with at which lawn party, there is… well, there is more to it than choosing the right briquettes. With a that in mind, and with only a week to go before school starts – i.e., the conventions – here are some ideas for politicians, preachers and assorted others on where to go for the last of summer, and what to do once they arrive – also known as, Jonathan Leigh Solomon’s “No Windsurfing Allowed” Vacation Planner.

Vladimir Putin: Who needs Abkhazia and South Ossetia when there is the Beverly Hills Hotel? And, it’s a great place to show off your pecs. For laughs, have a bellhop page President Medvedev and when his name is called, turn to any members of the Duma who are traveling with you and say, “who?”

John Edwards: Not the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Nancy Pelosi: Keep your eye on the new energy bill, even if it calls for drilling beneath Nob Hill. No great loss canceling the book tour – the only way Know Your Power is going to be slogged through by America’s daughters is if you re-release it under the pen name Stephanie Meyer.

Joel and Victoria Osteen: The Trans Siberian Railway boasts five star luxury - and no flight attendants! Along the way, drop in on Russian Orthodox Churches to see if they are ready for their  Best Life Now –  adding arena seating, food courts and replacing the crosses on the cupolas with satellite dishes.  

Vice-President Dick Cheney and Senator Jim Inhofe: Take a Carnival Cruise Fun Ship to… Alaska! There’s a rock climbing wall, yoga classes – or just hang out on a sun-kissed deck and discuss the myth of global warming as polar bears float by on detached portions of the arctic ice shelf.

Al Gore: Switzerland in summer features scenic hiking and biking tours. When in Geneva, purchase a Patek Phillipe watch that won’t lose a second for the next one-thousand years – the approximate time it will take before the United States runs on 100% carbon-free electricity.

Paris Hilton: If you are serious about that political career there’s still time for a last minute tour of the Ivy Leagues! (Application deadlines can be extended if you are willing to forego financial aid.) While at Yale, look inside President Bush’s old desk for the original Iraqi invasion plans. At Columbia, learn the traditional greeting for a visiting head-of-state: “Go home you ant-Semite Islamofascist midget!”

John McCain and Barack Obama: Building on the male bonding we saw at Saddleback Church, how about a road trip to all the major league ballparks?  Learn the true value of the 2008 median household income by spending an amount equal to it on parking, two beers and a box of Cracker Jacks. Sing “take me out to the ballgame” and replace, “root, root, root for the home team” with, “root, root, root for the  team of whichever city I happen to be holding a rally.” At Yankee Stadium, get tips from A-Rod on constantly switching positions. Finally, dispense with the need for conventions, veeps or actual voting by establishing which of you is ready to lead via the only method that really matters to Americans: Can you toss a baseball to the catcher without bouncing it in the dirt?