Marriott Wardman Park Hotel
Washington, DC
That's where you should be to help present Donald Rumsfeld with a very serious award for his noble defense of the mythical document the Tea Party refers to mysteriously as "The Constitution," not to be confused with any document available in print.
This PDF schedule of CPAC's upcoming festivities opens on February 10 with Michele Bachmann (everybody take three steps to your left so she can see you), and goes straight into gay bashing.
By late morning on February 10th, instead of the usual protest of the Citizens United decision that any other gathering of Americans would feature, this one will include the Citizens United group itself performing a dramatization of the dangers of a nuclear Iran. "Explosive!"
Then Andrew Breitbart types will train you in becoming big-time movie makers. "Dress provocatively!"
After lunch you can study up on how to uneducate young people, and take part in a Ronald Reagan extravaganza, including a talk about "God and Reagan" where the challenge will, of course, be identifying which is which.
But wait! There's more! At 1 pm Congressman Steve "bombs would be better than Wikileaks" King and the National Rifle Association will overlap five other sessions, only four of which are completely insane. One, believe it or not, is about the need to cut military spending -- a presentation by something called the "Committee for the Republic" with whom we should perhaps be talking.
A full 15 minutes later, at 1:15 the big immigrant-bashing session gets rolling: "Proper Englisch Spelling Will Liberiate Us!"
At 2 pm Risk Santorum is on stage with a dog (exact nature of the act is a closely guarded secret).
Then there's government-bashing, more gay-bashing, a little theocracy promotion, and astroturf training. . . oh, and something to do with Saint Peter's bones.
And this action-packed extravaganza has saved time to re-fight the Vietnam War before Senator Rand Paul shows up at 3:45 at the Whites Only entrance.
As many as nine or more activists are expected to attend the CPAC affair and they will each get 2 minutes to speak at 4 pm.
Then, a split second later, at - in fact - 4 pm, Rummy will roll in from Mount Misery to pick up his much deserved award for defending the Constitution from the forces of literacy and law enforcement. (Sources say he plans to secretly arrive 10 hours early and stand behind a door just to prove that standing for 10 hours is not torture, but I don't want to spoil the surprise.)
Some of your lesser rightwingers, including Tucker Carlson and some others you may have actually heard of will also do their thing at 4 pm and they're offering free food, so really let's skip the Rummy ceremony.
At 4:30 the man to whom the U.S. House just gave the power to cap spending on anything other than wars, Paul Ryan, will talk about how expensive governmet paper is, while Rumsfeld signs books - STANDING! - and Dick Morris sucks on Citizen's United's corporate person's toes (not to be missed!).
Then if you've never gotten drunk with Ron and Rand Paul and seen them play their "Who's a bigger bullshitter" game, well here's your chance, and it's an OPEN BAR.
Drink up, because by 7 pm we'll be celebrating the glorious War on Iraq! But only until 7:30 when the Presidential Banquet (with no president of course) kicks into full carnivorous fury.
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