President Conducts Disquisition On New Anti-Terrorist Plans.
President O'Bomber sat for a lengthy third exclusive interview with this reporter recently. This time we discussed the reasons why the CIA failed to connect the dots to stop Abdulmutallab from flying on a Northwest plane to Detroit. (Abdulmutallab, of course, intended to fly to Lake Huron, not Detroit.)
"It is not true that our analysts were not connecting the dots," said O'Bomber. "There were 200 of them in Langley connecting the dots in the little books we give them. They were coloring in the pictures too after they connected the dots.
"So it is wrong and untrue for that wacko, the aptly named Dick Cheney, to claim the CIA was not doing its job. Cheney has called me privately to give me his own plan, just like he used to tell George Bush what to do. Cheney says that the way to stop terrorists from blowing up airplanes in flight is to stop people from flying. That way terrorists will have to blow up airplanes on the ground, where nobody will get hurt. He says nobody ever heard of an airplane falling out of the ground, so people will be safe.
"Cheney suggested to me that we give all people who want to be terrorists the key to the big parking lot in the Arizona desert where all the thousands of airplanes not currently in use are kept. This would enable the terrorists to blow up all the airplanes they want, with nobody being hurt. As a side benefit, we would find out who the terrorists are because they would have to apply for keys to the parking lot, and we could also track them on the parking lot to find out what particular type of plane each likes to blow up.
"Cheney," continued the President, "wants to turn the whole country into a no fly zone. He carries this to the point where he wants to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom given to the Wright brothers. He said to me, "Anyway, Brack (he runs my first initial and middle name together like I was some foul water), that medal should never have gone to the Wright brothers. It should have gone to Alberto Santos Dumas.' I had some of our analysts take some time off from connecting dots and filling in colors in order to check this out, and they reported back that it's true. This broke the CIA string of 287 consecutive mistakes, but I decided not to do it anyway.
"Before announcing my final decision about this, however, I called former President Bush to get his view on it. At first I got a wrong number. The guy on the other end said "I think you've got a wrong number. This is George H. W. Bush. I think you're looking for George W. Bush.' But he gave me the phone number of George W. Bush and I then called him. His advice was "If the aptly named Dick Cheney tells you to do it, then do it.'
"I thanked him for the advice, and told him that I had already decided against it and was just calling him for fun. "There are so few of us ex Presidents or soon-to-be-ex Presidents around,' I said, "so I thought it would be good fun to call you.' I also thanked him for not publicly opposing any of my plans or initiatives, and he graciously replied, "Well, I've learned that people hate my guts and think I'm stupid. But you are following the same policies I did with regard to war and the economy, so you are helping rehabilitate my name in history. I'm happy about that and so there is no way I am going to speak out against what you're doing.'"
After these discussions, I asked the President whether there was any truth to the rumor that we are going to make it harder to obtain visas, so that it will be harder for terrorists to get into the United States and even to get on planes heading for the United States. "Yes," he said, "we are going to do that. In fact, we are also going to require Americans to get visas to get into Washington, D.C. or to get on planes headed for Washington. Unless they are lobbyists carrying brown paper bags full of cash. Or Senators or Congressmen coming to Washington to pick up the cash. People will also have to sit in their seats and not go to the bathroom for the last three hours of their flight, including before the plane takes off if necessary.
"There is precedent [said the President] for internal visas like the ones people will need to get into Washington. They were called internal passports in the Soviet Union and the Corn Laws in merry olde England. And they are consistent with the fact that Washington is another country from the rest of America. We don't want people from that other country coming in to D.C. and screwing things up. We are, however, giving consideration to excepting residents of the wealthy Virginia and Maryland suburbs -- Alexandria, Bethesda, FairfaxCounty, MontgomeryCounty, etc. -- from the visa requirement. They belong more to Washington, after all, than to the vast foreign country of the United States.'"
The interview then turned to some of the technical reasons why security analysts had completely failed to catch Abdulmutallab before he got onto the Northwest flight, even though there were lots of warning signs. "Look," said O'Bomber ("Look" is the expostulation he always uses when he is exasperated by the obduracy or stupidity of the person he is talking to, like John McCain or Sarah Palin.). "Look," said President O'Bomber, "our analysts were very busy connecting dots and coloring in pictures. And what good would it have done anyway if they had been looking for hints and clues? We had a host of hints and clues before 9/11, and what good did that do? This proves that understanding hints and clues here wouldn't have been worthwhile.
"Nor was it believable that a Nigerian banker would turn in his own son. So the analysts were certain that his coming to the embassy to tell it he feared his son had become a terrorist was an obvious ruse designed to throw us off the track. In fact, we started following the father because, if he was engaging in this ruse, he must have some connection with the terrorists. Or maybe, of course, his son had disappeared, and he just wanted the CIA to find his son for him."
I asked the President about the report that we had known someone was flying to the United States with a name spelled only one letter differently from Abdulmutallab's, but it turned out to be the bomber himself with his name spelled wrongly on the CIA's lists. "Yes," said President O'Bomber, "that's true. Our lists showed someone scheduled to fly named Abdulm e tallab, with an e instead of a u. One analyst said he thought it was odd that a metal laboratory was getting on an airplane, but his colleagues made sport of him, saying that this was of course impossible, and the spelling occurred because a computer printer ran together the name of the passenger and the name of his place of employment (i.e., Mr. Abdul of Metallab). Other CIA analysts got things wrong because they thought they were looking for a home address that was the address of the building we blew up in Yemen with a Predator missile in late December awhile after there had been a meeting there of top level Al Qaeda officials earlier in December. We subsequently learned that the Al Qaeda officials had met there early in December because they knew there would be no women and children in the building at the time and knew also that we would never fire at a building that had no women and children in it. They knew we would wait until later in December, when there would be 43 women and 92 children in the building. In fact, movies taken by our satellites that we downloaded in January showed Al Qaeda leaders dancing around on the roof of the building in early December, firing their Kalashnikovs into the air while repeatedly screaming Arabic words that our Arabic lip readers identified from satellite movies as being "F ck you Predator drones.'"
The President then turned briefly from the Abdulmutallab situation to the recent assassination of seven CIA agents. He said that, as sad as all this may or may not be for her, our intelligence had revealed it was not beyond human possibility that the wife of the guy who blew up himself and seven CIA people had encouraged her husband to be a radical. She had, he confirmed, written a book comparing Osama bin Laden to Che Guevara, and had said her husband, a doctor, "had said he wanted to learn more about surgery," which consists of making holes in people, at least temporarily.
"Apparently," said O'Bomber, "this guy had learned not only how to put holes in people, but how to make them disappear entirely, how to make them no longer incorporeal." When I asked him what that means, he said, "Look, it means incorporeal. His wife's views might have had some effect," he continued. "After all, this is no different from the American South before and during our own Civil War, when southern women demanded that their husbands and sweethearts go fight the Yankees and derided men as cowards if they did not go fight them. So there is a history of this right here in our own country, and one cannot disregard the possibility that it is going on today in the Arab world because it has come to hate our militaristic actions there and our efforts to tell Arab governments what to do and to control those countries. I am taking account of this possibility every day, just as I now understand that Bush and Cheney did, and it is for that reason that I am currently fighting only two wars in the Middle East. If it were not for fear of further stoking Arab hatred, I would likely be fighting in Yemen (or Yeahman), Iran and maybe Syria too as well as Iraq and Afghanistan. I do want to deserve my NoBull Peace Prize, after all."
Before continuing with the main thread of his discussion of clues that we missed in the Abdulmutallab case, and then of changes he is ordering in order to increase our security, the President elaborated a bit more on the question of Arab hatred for us and America's racist, though denied, reciprocal feelings. "Look," he said, "there is no truth at all to the claim that a woman was not allowed to sit right behind the podium," at which he was speaking at a rally in Detroit, "because she was wearing an Arab headscarf and would be seen on television. There is no truth in that at all," he said. "The real and only reason she was removed was that she kept screaming, "You tell 'em, Hussein. You tell 'em, Hussein.' (Hussein's my middle name, you know. That's why Cheney thinks I was born in Kazakhstan.) Whether or not she would have been seen on television, her slogan would certainly have been heard on television, and that is why she was removed. You tell 'em, Hussein, indeed! And in fact, we later found out that underneath the head scarf she was actually a blue-eyed blonde Arizona-American planted by the McCain campaign. It was part of the sabotage program that they secretly called "The McCain Campaign Screws Hussein.'
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