The People have spoken and we must accede to their wishes. Perhaps it was only the noisiest people, and perhaps they were screaming bloody murder rather than speaking, but there you have it. It was the only thing that we could hear, so we must assume that the rest of the People do not object to what the vocal minority are demanding.
Effective January first of this next year, all socialistic, government run healthcare programs will be suspended, with the savings that are realized to be redirected to reduce the deficit. That is to say that Medicare, Medicaid, the Veterans Health System and the Medical Services of the several branches of the Armed Forces will cease operations and their assets will be sold off to the highest bidders in the private sector. Those who have benefited from the services of any of these entities will be free to provide for their own private health insurance at whatever premiums the market will bear. As for our brave Citizens Under Arms, we trust that entrepreneurial providers from the private sector will eagerly compete to provide battlefield first aid.
We understand that this policy change will cause some dislocations in being put into effect, but this is well within the parameters of what we find that our noisy minority deems acceptable in terms of human suffering and death.
Indeed, these developments have caused this administration to engage in a wide-ranging review of all government programs to determine if they are even suggestive of socialistic tendencies. It is already clear at this early stage that many of these programs are.
Related to healthcare issues, we find that there are several activities funded by the Department of Health and Human Services that are clearly socialistic. In particular, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) fall into this category. The Food and Drug Administration functions are best contracted out to those industries that have built their expertise in such matters, as is the case regarding the Environmental Protection Agency. We intend not only to defund these activities, but also to close down this entire department of our government. Of course, the Social Security Administration carries its socialistic bona fides in its very name, and all functions of this agency will be immediately brought to a halt.
We see several other departments coming in for similar treatment, including the Education Department and the Energy Department. The Department of the Interior comes in for special scrutiny, advocating and perpetuating a socialistic government ownership of land as it does. It also affords us an astoundingly lucrative business opportunity, as we can dispose of these socialist held properties to those private sector entities that may put them to the best (most profitable) use. These private sector concerns are represented by Big Agra, Big Ranching, Big Lumber, Big Mining and Big Oil, and they will pay what they think is fair for these properties. The proceeds, of course will be devoted to retiring the national debt.
The Justice Department will be disbanded, with all criminal cases to be adjudicated at the local level and all civil cases to be similarly adjudicated or arbitrated by the private security services contracted to fulfill the role left abandoned by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI).
This brings us to the most socialistic of government departments. Of course, I am referring to the Department of Defense. We have good reason to believe that our policy review will conclude that the socialistic aspects of this department will show themselves to be unbecoming of and unacceptable to a free People. That conclusion will necessitate the elimination of our armed forces, leaving our self-sufficient citizens with the opportunity to provide for their own defense through contracts with private sector security providers. Those contractors should be able to provide essential intelligence functions, including a continuing surveillance of our citizens.
The only possible drawback to the military disbanding is that it will necessitate the proscription of privately held firearms from those who do not need them to serve their employers. Second Amendment considerations are, well, secondary, since to paraphrase our great forty-third president, George W. Bush, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and even the Declaration of Independence are just so many pieces of parchment.
We must focus on the prospect that the savings realized from such a move as this will wipe out the national debt in a very few years, leading to surpluses as far as the eye can see.
In any event, as you brave citizens are bankrupted or find yourselves on your deathbed, choking out your final breaths, you may take comfort in the knowledge that the supreme sacrifice that you have offered, or have had extracted from you, has gone so far to defeat the pervasive, creeping assault of socialism on these sacred shores.May the Good Lord have mercy on your souls.