The Police State Gazette
(When getting right says less, than just making it up)
By David Glenn Cox
Dateline Orlando -- The Orca County SWAT team, sheriff's deputies, along with agents of the Department of Homeland Security have responded to what they have called, a possible terrorist event on a local, undisclosed beach. The first officer on the scene, an Officer Joe Dumbroski, reported a large suspect trying to sneak ashore under the cover of darkness, wearing a huge wetsuit. "He was a big fella, an I saw him struggling to get up on the beach in that big suit. I ordered the suspect to freeze, but he paid no attention, and continued making clicking noises and high-pitched whistles at me.
That's when I made the connection, this is some Islamic thing, he was obviously speaking Arabic. My attempts to physically subdue the suspect were fruitless, as the suspect weighed in excess of 17,000 pounds and was at least 25 feet long. I was also unable to handcuff the suspect, due to an apparent injury or birth defect, making the suspects arms to look a lot like flippers. Slowly, I began to sense trouble; a guy in a whale costume was trying to sneak ashore, without going through customs. Who would do that, I asked myself? I'll tell you who"terrorists! But it was something about his whale costume, that wasn't quite right. It was a whale costume all right, but it was a killer whale costume, ah? Ah?
They weren't as cleaver as they thought though, Killer whale? Orlando? Can only equal Shamu! And Shamu is an Islamic name! I'm almost certain it was operation Shamu! It was then that the suspect began violently flapping its flipper at me and, sensing an immediate threat to my life, I pulled my side arm, firing six shots, striking the suspect twice."
D.H.S. officials have suggested an expansion of heightened security measures might be necessary on America's beaches, alluding to metal detectors searches for anyone, attempting to enter or leave US Ocean waters. Official's estimate, that given the more than 12,000 miles of US coastline, they would require a minimum of 12,000 more scanning machines, than are now available. "Actually," says Department spokesman, Richard Head, "We need more! But in the name of austerity, were willing to accept the minimum number. We can never be too safe, guarding America's freedom."
Other measures under considerations are "no swim lists" and sun only privileges. Undercover swimmers, to be known as Water Marshals would patrol indistinguishable, from average American swimmers. The marshals would also be armed with a waterproof side arm, to be ready for any eventuality.
In the Official White House statement the President said: "It was after 9-11 occurred, we learned never to forget 9-11. We must never forget 9-11 because there's always going to be September the 11th, right there, after September 10th. We've learned that when we give in to blind fear"we can spend a lot of money. Never forget that, spending money helps to move our economy forward. We must never to forget that, just as we must never forget 9-11"9-11.
Aquatic terrorism must be stopped at the waterline. Our adversaries will spare no expense trying to attack us, disguised as large water mammals is not out of the question or even robotic, drone, water mammals cannot be ruled out. These drone water mammals, could easily be equipped with either chemical and biological weapons or even nuclear weapons. We don't want that next big wave or high tide, to be a mushroom cloud. We must never risk America's security"or risk another 9-11."
The President then wiped a tear from his eye, before apologizing once again for the Obama care website, promising, "next week, for sure."
House Republican whip, Eric Cantor, responded, "We will oppose Obama's big government, deficit spending, no matter what. House Republicans will put forward a program, spending twice as much, no matter how much the President proposes. Only, we will do it responsibly, by not raising taxes. We'll use targeted budget cuts, targeted primarily at seniors and the disabled. After all, what good are food and shelter, without freedom? Cantor may face an up hill battle from tea party members in landlocked states, who are advocating an Ocean user fee program. An unnamed house Intern, in a position of no authority what so ever, was quoted as saying, "Why should we pay for the dead beat states? We're doing our job! We don't need a big government program to keep Islamic whales off the beaches in Tennessee.
Michele Bachmann a Republican, (Mn.) said, "We must take the threat of aquatic terrorism seriously, because here in Minnesota, we have more than 5,000 lakes. We must prevent fresh water, aquatic terrorism as much as ocean terrorism. Everyone knows how smart whales are, because God made them that way. Noah was swallowed by a whale, you know? These creatures roam the world's oceans and we cannot pretend an American hating aquatic mammal, couldn't swim the two or three hundred miles, from the Gulf of Mexico to a Minnesota lake. Senator John McCain awoke to say, "My face hurts me! How can you stand to look at it?" before dozing off.
Senate Democratic leader, Harry Reid has proposed the Lake Mead Initiative, to study Aquatic terrorism, in all its forms. "Today it's whales, maybe tomorrow, its trout or brim. When the Lake Mead Initiative is passed into law, we can begin spending millions, upon millions of dollars fighting aquatic terrorism, right here in my home state. Even though, we're fighting an issue which does not exist, we must do it bravely and wisely, with truth and justice for all. Because every American deserves a fair break and we're committed to breaking them. Former Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, posted on her Facebook page, "I'm pretty sure Alaska has a coast-line and I'm sure Alaskan's will protect that coast-line, but there is another issue we must address. Alaska has a great deal of ice and snow, and well, ice and snow are made from water, aren't they? The oceans are water too and water is the source of aquatic terrorism!
Civil rights leader, Rev. Herman Melville of the First Church of Ahab, questioned, "Would that police officer have been so quick to kill a white whale? Fox News is reporting there have been several aquatic terrorist events at US embassies in Iraq and Afghanistan, but did not elaborate. Fox guest analyst, Alex Jones, insisted the issue was being covered up by the mainstream media to protect the Obama administration. Secretary of State, John Kerry said in a press briefing from Japan, we can't ever ignore the power of raw fish and we can't give in to aquatic terrorism, because it would mean, America lost to nobody."
Defense Secretary, Chuck Hagel, is said to be in consultations with defense contractors in developing a world-wide aquatic mammal, missile defense shield capable of defending American interests in any quarter of the globe from the threat of rogue, aquatic mammals. Defense analysts took Hagel's remarks to be referencing Iran and North Korea. Hillary Clinton remarked, "most aquatic terrorism today remains hidden, just below the surface, we must be willing to sink to any depth to advance my, ah, fight aquatic terrorism!
Officer Dumbroski, known as "slow Joe" by his friends, will be honored in a special White House ceremony, before returning to Florida, where he's considering a run for the state house as a Republican, Dumbroski said, on a recent Fox News appearance, "The two biggest threats to America," Joe the cop advises, "are aquatic terrorism and high taxes. I've fought aquatic terrorism, now I'm ready to take on high taxes!"
US United Nations ambassador, Samantha Power is said to be in consultation with our allies and is calling for a motion to have the world's Oceans declared a rogue state and imposing sanctions, so far only Israel and Palau have signed on.
In an era of global terrorism, we must remain committed and should be committed. Imagination is a very powerful force and Americans won't be cowed by any nation or any force, real or not. Just because a threat doesn't exist, is no reason to sit on our hands pretending it's not real.