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New Show: CSI: Congress

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Late on a foggy winter night in Washington, D.C., two teenagers found an unidentified body, half-buried near the CapitolBuilding. The victim was male, with the cryptic letters HC RFRM carved into his forehead.

When he was called by the precinct, Detective Joe Lieberman was eating matzoh ball soup and a knish. He told the Chief that he couldn't make it because it was Shabbat, and he was praying for peace in the world, except for a few countries he didn't like.

Det. John Boehner was called next, but he was in a booth at a tanning salon and could not be reached.

Det. Arlen Spector was called, but he was in the midst of a therapy session for his identity crisis.

Det. Olympia Snowe was called but she couldn't make up her mind whether or not she could go.

Det. John Ensign was called but he was hiking in the Appalachians with Det. David Vitter, and thus they were both unreachable.

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Det. Jim DeMint was called, but he was at an undisclosed location, trying to stuff $500,000 in one-hundred dollar bills into his clothes.

Since none of them could get to the scene, Detective Michele Bachmann and Detective Nancy Pelosi showed up with the coroner. Bachmann and Pelosi gave the body a cursory examination, looking for clues, although Det. Bachmann did not appear to be that enthusiastic. Bachmann said the man was dead, but Pelosi disagreed.

Coroner Barney Frank agreed with Pelosi and declared that the man was still breathing. He had been shot in the chest. While Pelosi and Frank conferred in private, Detective Bachmann surreptitiously bounced on the man's chest while no one was looking. Somehow, the man survived.

The John Doe, now known as HC RFRM, was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital, and although he had insurance, he was not admitted because of a pre-existing condition. The admitting nurse explained: "The wound caused by the bullet is the pre-existing condition, because it preceded his current distress."

So the HC RFRM was taken to county hospital, given a room and hooked up to an IV. While Det. Pelosi conferred in private with the doctors, Bachmann tried to unhook the IV, but was unable to figure out how. When Pelosi returned, Bachmann said something incomprehensible which sounded mildly offensive.

Soon the man was conscious, but was unable to remember his name. Det. Pelosi asked him if he would recognize the perpetrator in a line-up. The man said he believed he could.

On the way from the hospital to the precinct, he was attacked by a pack of dogs in blue collars. The feral canines were lead by a man wearing a suit of blue and a cross. Bachmann reluctantly took out her blue shield and the attackers ran off. The victim survived the assault.

At the precinct, six men were standing side-side-side for the man to identify. Two of them were vicious serial killers, Rush "Fathead" Limbaugh and "Glenn "Whacko" Beck. The other four were decoys --- Detectives Lieberman, McCain, Baucus and Cantor. The victim studied them for just a moment. "Can you identify the man who tried to kill you?" Pelosi asked. The man paused. "All of them," he said....nbsp;...nbsp;

 

John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 

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...successful transplants of brain, heart and lung... by BFalcon on Saturday, Jan 16, 2010 at 10:24:36 AM