RMoney the Chief Chef of Just Desserts by RW Spisak
was tired. He headed down the long hallway that led from the rear of
his plane where they stored the traveling journalists down to his area
of the plane. He trudged down the spiral staircase that led to his
bedroom grotto. His
serving woman brought down his tea, and summoned his bed-chamber maid
to fluff his traveling pillow and adjust his comforter.
brought his travel pillow, stuffed just like his comforter, with
shredded hundred dollar bills. His father always said, there's nothing
that brings a man, to a fiscally sound sleep, than knowing that his
cranium is couched in shredded hundred dollar bills. At home, his pillow
is stuffed with shredded thousands, but that's his home pillow.
he rested his head on the ermine trimmed pillow and pulled the snow
leopard trimmed comforter up around his neck, he puzzled on how he might
more effectively ingratiate himself with American Voters. Suddenly, he
sat bolt upright, he got it. The solution was plain and simple as the
expression on his writing servant's face, when he was arrived to take
down Mittsy's merry musings.
He finished his dictation and his
bedroom secretary backed out of the room to
revise according to the long established rules. Mittsy rested his
carefully coiffed Billion Dollar Head into his Million Dollar pillow and
as the sweet scents of dreamland surrounded him... he dreamt of THE
It came to him like the blast of the hunting horn when
the fox was spotted. The little people, the little people liked sport.
Obviously, enough money has been spent to insure they do. So he talk to
them through the media of a SPORT SPECTACULAR. He knew they liked cake.
He would stage a SPORTS EVENT TO TRUMP all sports events. This would be
the Pie Eating Contest to beat all PIE-EATING Contests - He would have
them "EAT-CAKE". They'd like that.
Next morning he called his
private publicity staff and had them engage DODGERS STADIUM. And place
an announcement in the Wall Street Journal, the people's paper. It
trumpeted Mittsy's outreach campaign.
LET THEM EAT CAKE - the biggest
Pie-Eating Contest Ever. Once it played in the
Wall Street journal all the stenographers in BIG Media, replayed the
announcement word for world on TEEVEE, in Newspapers, double-cross the
land, and even NPR reported it but inadvertently attributed it to the
He invited as contestants the most savvy media voices ever
known to modern times. He had his staff ring up, George Stephanopolis,
Barbara Walters, Connie Chung, Chris Matthews, Bill OReilly, Davis
Gregory and Steve Inskeep. Team Limbaugh was ruled ineligible, for
obvious reasons. They would each pick a team of six to lead for the BIG
GAME. Since Romney is no object, I mean Money, Karl Rove and the Koch
Brothers agreed to pick up the live TEEVEE tab, and the event quickly
became known as the McDonalds/Monsanto/Haliburton PIE EATING Festival.
Rupert Murdoch promised the winner 10 Million big ones, and a life time
contract as an anchor on any of his flat ship enterprises. One of
Mittsy's team of accountants told him one week out
that on ads alone, not counting concessions, they could easily clear 7
to 10 million and actually make a profit on the event. Finally was
Mittsy's only reply.
Mittsy had seven giant cakes made, each one
was One Yard Wide and One Hundred yards long. Each triple layer cake
stretched from one end of the field to the other. Pitchers of chilled
milk and one glass were setup on a flimsy table every fifteen yards, and
that would be the only respite from the massive man-killing triple
layer 100 yard cake before them. Each team was to eat the pan clean from
end zone to end zone and the eating could not stop. If a team stopped
eating for more than two minutes they would forfeit the game and their
team would be disqualified.
Karl Rove suggested an added touch
that everyone on TEAM MITTSY agreed to and approved. There would be only
one porto-let available to all competitors, it would sit on the fifty
yard line and the locking mechanism was broken in
advance. Karl suggested it would add " drama.
fateful day arrived. Ann Romney was carried across the field by her
"Special Event" litter bearers and the virgins strewing pink slips in
advance of her passage couldn't have been cuter, if they were all culled
from a closed milltown in Ohio, which in fact, they were. Descending
from high atop her litter, in her private elevator, she descended to
take her place in the end zone. Where as the cameras crowded close - she
ceremonially broke a jar of white-lighting on the goalpost to start the
Pie Eating Contest.
Mittsy pranced nervously in the skybox at
times sometimes catching bits of the television coverage from his TEEVEE
Chair. It had been flown in just that day from one of his Castles in
Lichtenstein, but otherwise he was occupied consulting with his media
team who spent most of their time chortling in their champagne. They
enjoyed watching America's Media Mavens get smeared in
cake and icing for the enjoyment of American Voters.
gave up first, they stopped to do a fundraiser and were disqualified.
NBC gave up at the thirty yard line, Disney's ABC team had to carry tiny
George Stephanopolis off the field as he tried valiantly to shovel
another handful or two of cake into his chocolate covered face. Only
FOX, CNN and CBS crossed the fifty. Twice the PORT-OLET had to be
righted and the occupant, smeared and spattered choking and gagging
returned to the dubious double chocolate duty of America's Biggest and
Mittsiest PIE-EATING Contest.
CBS dropped out at the thirty and
only FOX and CNN approached the final twenty yards of CAKE. It was at
the ten yard line that the Judges determined with certainty that the FOX
TEAM had been cheating all along. And as they were led away in
shackles, (Karl insisted on shackles) team CNN within a mere arms length
of victory, keeled over one by one. Leaving no one to eat the
last yard of cake. Weeks later it was determined that FOX NEWS had been
sprinkling poison on their competitors cakes as they struggled down the
home stretch. However Rupert's Robbers has tapped the prosecutors cell
phones enabling the whole FOX-TEAM to escape to Lichtenstein where,
nobody knows muffin.
And finally since Mittsy fed America's Sports Fetish they all lived happily ever after.