Secret documents smuggled out of North Korea during Kim Jung Il’s recent sickness reveal the previously unknown extent of North Vietnamese co-operation with Mao Tse-Tung’s psychological warfare program. Prisoners held over three years were indoctrinated with hypnotic instructions to create chaos in the US after their release.
Some groups of POW’s were programmed to join harmless organizations like the infamous “Knit One, Pearl Two” which actually distributed secret codes through crochet magazines designed to activate sleeper agents in acts of sabotage and political suicide. Others were programmed through secret hypnotic suggestions to begin car customizing clubs in California in an effort to reduce American design innovations to clumsy imitations of Soviet-era vehicles.
Our North Korean agent has revealed that John Sidney McCain hated his middle name so much that when used, it had the effect of electric shock treatments. McCain was one of an elite group of American POW’s who were brainwashed to gain high office in the US Government and subsequently surrender the US Military to the Franco-American Spaghetti Corporation. Evidently McCain was one of a few uniquely qualified to be contacted by a 1964 Buick Electra, which McCain still maintains lovingly as one of a fleet of vehicles his wife, Cindy, frequently threatens to have junked if John doesn’t stop telling dirty jokes. Still, according to McCain insiders, the Buick is one of the few relationships McCain has kept up over the years. His political advisors have kept the relationship with the 1964 Buick a carefully-guarded secret, realizing that the sight of McCain talking lovingly to a 1964 Buick might make grown men cry.
The author contacted the Society for Creative Anachronism for comment, but were told they would not touch a 1964 Buick or a GOP candidate for President without health insurance and multiple layers of health-protective devices. The original Chinese plan was that, upon attaining high office like the US Presidency, McCain would sell all copyrights to ABC Broadcasting and the Disney Corporation as storyline in an upcoming cartoon feature: “We have met the enemy, and they are us.” The John McCain for President committee has refused to comment.