To se a never-before-seen photo of the mysterious Madam Jane, click here.
Things have been totally out of whack in the political world lately. The American economy is all shot to hell, 1.7 million Americans just lost their jobs, Congress is giving Israel billions of dollars to shoot Hamas-infiltrated zoo animals and thousands of terrorists cleverly disguised as chickens in Gaza -- and it looks like the Republicans are turning to Rush Limbaugh as their next commander-in-chief. Can it be any wonder that I'm worried about the future?
And when in doubt about what is going to happen next, it is always a good idea to call on Madame Jane. "M.J.," I asked, "what does the future hold for myself, my family and my country? What does all this new stuff MEAN?"
"Don't worry, Jane," said the all-seeing, all-knowing Madame. "You will be fine. You have Social Security. And, in fact, as more and more Americans lose their jobs, you'll be sitting rather pretty. I predict that Social Security pensioners are going to become the new upper class." That bad, huh?
"I also predict that, as things get worse and worse here in the US, America and Israel are gonna have to give up their dreams of controlling a new Middle Eastern empire -- just like the British were forced to give all that up after the first Great Depression and World War II."
"Why is that?"
"Because we can't afford it no more."
"But what about Rush?"
"That's a tempest in a teapot. How many people even actually listen to him any more? Not that many -- not after all the disasters resulting from the last eight years of Bush-Limbaugh rule. In the last eight years, George Bush and Rush Limbaugh have managed to achieve what Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin could only dream of -- bringing the United States of America to its knees. However, even though karma is a b*tch, I suppose that Rush still has Oxycontin to fall back on -- and Bush is now busy doing Dallas. They both will be fine."
Now is time to ask Madame Jane the ultimate Big Question. "Madame Jane, do you think that I will go to Heaven when I die?"
"Sure. People who do not kill other people always go to Heaven. Have you ever killed anyone, Jane?"
"Well then, honey, you're in."
"But what happens to the people who HAVE killed other people? Are they all doomed to Hell? Say that you're a member of the Taliban or dropped bombs on Baghdad or joined a gang? Is there any such thing as redemption?"
"There's always redemption," sighed Madame Jane. "We are all put on this earth for one reason and one reason only -- to do as many good deeds as we can in our lifetime. The redemption option is ALWAYS on the table. Doing good deeds can go a long way toward getting you back into Heaven. But first you have to WANT to make amends."
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