OpEdNews » The Apocalypse Quiz: Kiss Your Butts Good-Bye!

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now imminent.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many; a profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience willing to pay for a daily dosage of doom and gloom.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling these wars along with their regular offerings of disaster, disease, pestilence and Sarah ‘my god can beat up your god’ Palin’s latest nuggets of political wisdom. Perhaps it’s only natural for the public to feel threatened and expect the worst.

Still, despite all this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m completely wrong about this, and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.

Question #1

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) The pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

a) Barack Obama
b) Sarah Palin
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

1 | 2

http://blogoffanddie.wordpress.com

Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at his real job working with autistic and special needs children.

	Contact Author
	Contact Editor
	View Other Articles by Author

Bookmark this page: (what's this?)

(More...)

Comments: Expand Shrink Hide

4 comments

outside looking in
iamjmboutside looking in

a poll, it would have been more fun!!!!

who's this pete guy whose sake is endangered?? ....and, what are the right answers???.... and, if you did this as a poll, it would have been more fun!!!!

by iamjmb (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 41 comments) on Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 2:35:06 PM

American citizen. Blogger, photographer. Political ativist.
Zena PrincessAmerican citizen. Blogger, photographer. Political ativist.

Poll-Pole?

Excellent post! Kudos.

by Zena Princess (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 82 comments) on Thursday, November 20, 2008 at 9:13:55 PM

10 year Navy veteran,former Federal employee with various agencies,
Gallaher10 year Navy veteran,former Federal employee with various agencies,

Teachers Answer Book

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

Answer:

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.

And / or

d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

Explanation: In 2012 the Mayans understood and studied astronomy (something not taught in Americas government schools) The Mayans also understood the effects of planetary, solar system movement within our Galaxy. A very odd thing happens on earth every 20 to 30 thousand years that cause more than catastrophic destruction of the earths surface. The magnetic core of the earth shifts polarity from what we call “North” to ‘South”. This polar shift has been found and dated in metallic substances. Something special also happens to the earth’s solar system, it passes through the center plane of the Milky Way Galaxy every 20 to 30 thousand years. It just so happens that this will occur in 2012 at the end of the Mayan calendar. (NO JOKE)

We may not need to worry about unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington killing off the majority of humans anymore.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

Answer:

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.

And

d) To bring clean underwear.

Explanation: As explained in Question 1’s answer humans will be on the move during the shifting of the earth’s surfaces. It will be a good idea to travel with some clean underwear.

An absolute faith in God might help you survive and put you at ease during this earth changing event.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

Answer:

a) Great signs in the heavens.

This one closest fits the explanation to Question 1 too.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

Answer:

d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

Explanation: This may not be the same “meek” as you would think. I doubt this means “poor”, “humble”, as is taught in most churches. “Meek” also means “small” as in “not human”. There will be no humans left.

by Gallaher (2 articles, 0 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 833 comments) on Friday, November 21, 2008 at 2:13:48 AM

Male, 50, Texas. White with white hair (for 20 years)
Write, read, and draw.
Topics include science, art, history, language, philisophy, the odd and unusual. SiFi/Goth/Lovecraft
Recovering from a medical episode that nearly killed me in 2006. Still being treated.
An autodidact and graduated High School but not college.
Not good with people. I have poor emotional intelligence.
nightgauntMale, 50, Texas. White with white hair (for 20 years)
Write, read, and draw.
Topics include science, art, history, language, philisophy, the odd and unusual. SiFi/Goth/Lovecraft
Recovering from a medical episode that nearly killed me in 2006. Still being treated.
An autodidact and graduated High School but not college.
Not good with people. I have poor emotional intelligence.

Whoops Apocalypse!

The title of an early 1980's comedy movie.

The End of an Age is not the End of the World. This isn't Gozer after all. [See "Ghost Busters"]

The History Channel has an interesting countdown of mega-disasters from Gamma Ray bursts to meteorite impacts. However we can still nuke ourselves. We, as humans, have some 27,000 warheads out there. It will only take 500 going off at once to induce an Atomic Winter for us. Put us on the road during a very long emergency.

Hope you like the taste of your own ass! Kiss deep.

by nightgaunt (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 322 comments) on Friday, November 21, 2008 at 2:13:29 PM

4 comments

Warning: mysql_fetch_array(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/opednews/public_html/populum/database.inc.php on line 48

How would you rate this?