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Life Arts

I want a cheese that can drive women crazy

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I Hate TV, TV Commercials and I hate you too, dammit!

If you were to ask me, Tim, as a media professional who knows absolutely nothing about advertising, what would you say is the most effective way to advertise a product on TV?

Well, judging by what I’ve seen of TV ads I’d say, first, assume that the entire viewing audience is completely and totally without a critical thinking process and must be addressed as if you were speaking to people with the IQ’s of mayonnaise.

Secondly, as if speaking to people with severe hearing disorders, you must scream your ad at them with decibel levels approaching that of jet aircraft taking off.

Third. Rattle off your ad at a rapid, break neck speed so that no one will actually be able to understand what you are saying, other than the odd burst of the words sale, save or buy. This is how advertising is done.

Now, if through this muddled process, you can manage to add a few bits about how your product will make people the envy of all of their friends, rich beyond their wildest dreams as well as lose that sagging fat that seems to collect around their thighs and midsections, that will help your ad immensely - even if you’re selling laundry soap.

Of course, the whole point of advertising is to make the general public feel bad about themselves, their lives, friends, families and everything they ever believed in.

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Then, once you’ve got them feeling suicidal, tell them that your “product” will cure them of their inadequacies and, all of their problems will vanish instantly with one ingestion, application or insertion (?) of your “product” - that is, until they run out. Then of course, their lives will return to a steaming pathetic pile of crap (unless they purchase more of your product immediately).

Seriously, can you people even stand yourselves unless you have shiny silky hair, soft toilet paper and armpits that smell like pine cones?

Well… can you?

I certainly can’t stand myself. And, as far as I can tell, I can’t stand any of you either - and I don’t even know most of you.

“Oh honey,” the commercial begins. “It’s our son Bill on the phone. He’s just bought life insurance and he’s so very happy now!” (Father takes the phone).

“Good for you son. You know, I own lots of insurance too. Now we can both die and leave lots of money to our widows (and their new gigolo boyfriends). You’ve made me very proud son.”

Granted, I’m all for life insurance if you have a young family. But, I’ve never once called my parents to excitedly announce my new premiums.

OK, let’s play a little game. I’ll describe the commercial and you try to guess what they’re advertising.

A woman is riding a horse along the beach. Then, she’s parachuting out of a plane. Finally, she’s snorkeling in scuba gear along some brilliantly colored coral reef surrounded by a vast array of colorful tropical fish. What do you associate this imagery with?

No, not sports. NO, NOT FITNESS!

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Tim Cerantola's humour and political satire has been published in over 25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer, he works at a real job working with autistic and special needs children.

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And I hate me, too, because I don't use any of... by Sandy Sand on Saturday, Dec 6, 2008 at 8:15:03 AM
for makin' me laff!... by Meryl Ann Butler on Saturday, Dec 6, 2008 at 1:08:27 PM
Literally, all of what you say is true, even if yo... by martinweiss on Saturday, Dec 6, 2008 at 9:03:42 PM
Thx for the much needed laugh there. And so unfor... by Steve Windisch (jibbguy) on Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 at 11:13:18 AM
One of the links at SixWise is broke apparently, t... by Steve Windisch (jibbguy) on Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 at 6:07:14 PM
It's no longer called 'bathroom tissue'... by lwarman on Sunday, Dec 7, 2008 at 5:45:09 PM