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I'm Joseph Stalin and I'm Feeling Neglected

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View Ratings | Rate It Headlined to H3 12/13/09

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Remember me? Joe Stalin? If you recall, I was maybe the most brutal dictator ever. So why are you Americans so obsessed with Hitler? What's so great about Hitler? I was a lot worse than Hitler, but nobody even mentions my name anymore. What am I, chopped liver?

How many times do I have to hear Rush Limbaugh comparing everybody to Hitler? Or watch these Fox News nut cases ranting on about him? (Granted, our TV reception isn't that good in Hell and we don't get HDTV.) And how many times do I have to see Hitler's lousy excuse for a mustache painted on Obama posters? What's wrong with my mustache? I have a better mustache than Adolf. I have better hair too. Thicker and not as greasy.

But it's not about his mustache or his hair. Sure, Hitler killed a lot of people, but I killed more. A lot more. Millions more. I may even hold the record. I was a big time louse. I was major league scum. Hitler was an amateur compared to me. Also, you might remember that I was the guy who started the goddamn Cold War, which lasted about 50 years, a lot longer than Hitler's pathetic little war. My successors and I scared the heck out of you Americans for a long time. I should get a lot more credit for that.

Hell, Hitler wasn't even a real socialist. I was (sort of.) I was a Communist, for God's sake. I invented all this. (Well, Karl Marx actually did.) But how can you Americans all be so stupid? Hitler was a right-winger. I was a left-winger. So why aren't you moronic wing nuts putting my face on your posters? Don't you dumb Americans know anything about history?

So I'm very angry. I'm feeling ignored. Adolf kids me about it all the time. He struts around like a rooster, thumping his chest, like he's a big shot. Frankly, he's getting on my nerves, and things are bad enough down here. I don't need that little Austrian pipsqueak rubbing my face in it every time we watch TV. Attila, Genghis and Pol Pot are all laughing at me too. Even that inept dilettante Saddam Hussein is getting a kick out of it. It's depressing. You have no idea how oppressive this is for me. I may have to go on Paxil.

So do me a favor, Americans. Forget that little pansy, Hitler. The next time you want to compare somebody to a real scum-sucking pig, compare him to me. I need the attention. I have an ego too, you know.

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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Who knew....? Very funny as usual, John.... by Patricia A. Smith on Sunday, Dec 13, 2009 at 3:40:59 PM
1. Bolshevik leaders, including Stalin, were mostl... by Dick Thomson on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 8:11:01 AM
some comments are even more unfortunate. Stalin wa... by Mark Sashine on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 8:41:40 AM
Apparently I'm an "anti-semite", so here's a view ... by Dick Thomson on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 9:47:09 AM
Djugashvily means 'man of steel' in Georgian and S... by Mark Sashine on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 10:11:03 AM
I have read your articles, and you seem like a ver... by Dick Thomson on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 11:09:45 AM
that there is a horrible danger of , say 'hijackin... by Mark Sashine on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 11:33:09 AM
1. Stalin was not Jewish; in fact, he once attende... by lwarman on Monday, Dec 14, 2009 at 3:20:07 PM