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Healthcare Reform Foes Claim US Citizens To Be Made Into Vampires

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In the latest round of sensationalist claims coming from Healthcare reform opponents, the claim is being made that, to save money and make Healthcare reform budget neutral, the latest Democratic plan mandates that US citizens are to be made into vampires.

Michelle Malkin remarked, "Of course the Democrats are taking the low road on the way to Healthcare reform. I just wonder if the American people realize that road includes sleeping in a coffin. We must defeat Democrat efforts to make people into Vampires."

"From the Democrats' perspective, vampirism makes sense" said Dick Armey, the head of FreedomWorks, a well-funded Republican/Conservative think tank, "Once you are a vampire, you never get sick, you never get old and thus no money needs to be spent on healthcare for you. The Democrats get to claim they passed Universal Healthcare and they rescue the federal budget. It's all nice and tidy."

Rush Limbaugh spent the first 15 minutes of his radio show on the topic. "If you have no values, which we all know describes Democrats, then you can propose anything, even giving up your immortal soul for perfect health and avoiding anal cysts. I had an anal cyst and it kept me out of military service. Did I turn to socialized medicine to fix that? No! Did I become a vampire? No. Healthcare, schmealthcare. All you need to do is wash down a few Oxycontin with a Big Mac, large fries and strawberry shake. That fixes everything."

The Vampire claim soon snowballed into a media frenzy. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs soon found himself peppered with questions about Vampires and their impact on the Healthcare debate.

"I cannot believe we are even talking about this"" replied the embattled spokesman. "Healthcare Reform opponents have gone from socialism to euthanasia to death panels to vampires. No one is going to be made into a Vampire. As far as I know, Vampires do not exist. They have never existed. It's a fairytale and even if it weren't a fairytale, there is nothing in any Healthcare reform bill that mentions Vampires."

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"He's lying!" said one response on Free Republic. "It's clearly right there on page 192 of the Senate Finance committee's version of the bill. See, it says "Families of any deceased patient have the right to determine the disposition of the body.' There ya go, that is code for Vampirism. Damn those Democrats! They are trying to do it to us again. We are not going to let them!"

Lou Dobbs closed his show on CNN with a discussion about what it is like to live as a Vampire. Dobbs' guests were two Goth teens from the Tampa bay area who claimed to be vampires. Dobbs closed the segment with a statement that "If it saves money, that makes sense. I think Americans could live with being Vampires" as long as we keep illegal Vampires out of America and out of the Healthcare system."

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A political blogger for the International Business Times, Steve Leser is a hot national political pundit. He has appeared on MSNBC's Coundown with Keith Olbermann, Comedy Central's Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Russia Today's (RT) Crosstalk with (more...)

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