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Handbook for the Recently Deceased

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Source: Mike Malloy


(image by Secular News)

Meet the Dead Raising Team (DRT).

This group of evangelicals has a singular goal -- to bring your deceased loved ones back to life.

Like the special agents made popular by Mission: Impossible movies, these spiritual super heroes offer unique bereavement counseling -- the resurrection of your dearly departed. Nothing is impossible with God, right? Just look at Dick "Dead Man Walking" Cheney for proof of that.

Now I know you're thinking this sounds like a George Romero movie, but the DRT is deadly serious.  It's ministry is led by Tyler Johnson, aka "The Chosen One,"  who claims his reanimation skills are so divinely powerful that he is given access to accident scenes and allowed to pass crime scene tape to minister to the recently murdered. Americans Against the Tea Party has this to say:

"The Chosen One and his team of make-believe Messiahs travel boldly from hospital to hospital, mortuary to mortuary in search of the next corpse upon which to pray, and the next believer upon whose emotions to prey. Recently, the 'ministry' appeared in a documentary called 'Deadraisers,' a film that focuses on the DRT and others who feel empowered by God to raise the dead. Unfortunately, empirical evidence failed to produce itself during the filming of the documentary -- all corpses upon which the group attempted to work its magic remain completely, totally, and utterly deceased. 
"BBC notes that His Chosen-ness is unwilling to provide any evidence of his alleged successes at all, instead citing some rather unconvincing cases. One such example is an American heart surgeon who purportedly revived a heart attack patient armed ONLY WITH THE POWER OF JESUS... oh, and a defibrillator."

On March 3, the group posted on Facebook that: "Your faith completely rests upon the foundation that One Man was raised from the dead. Dead raising isn't an off-shoot, borderline, fringe, idea. Dead raising is completely central to everything you believe."

As Dana Carvey's SNL "Church Lady" would say: "How conveeeeeeenient." If your loved one isn't prayed back to life, it's your fault. You didn't have enough faith. Weren't a true believer. How about a heaping helping of guilt to go with your grief? Check out the video of the crew -- hard at work, bending over a casket. I guess their miracle erases the embalming process. If not, Uncle Bob is going to really miss his internal organs when he's back at the dinner table next Sunday night. Better stick to the soup.

So how do you join this awesome group of God's holy First Responders? That is, assuming you have a deceased (recently, one assumes) relative you want to bring back to life? Or perhaps you're a wannabe Messiah and merely wish to acquire the power of life and death? Well, the DRT is recruiting! To wit:

"Delving into the reality of resurrection power, this training is for those who desire to walk in the miraculous, especially pertaining to raising the dead. We realize this is uncommon for most; thus, the training starts with more basic teaching and builds from there. Those that go through this training will have the option to be a part of the first DRT in their region.

"Topics Covered:

"-Commissioned to Raise the Dead
"-The "Theology" of Dead Raising (The Supremacy of Christ)
"-Accounts of Dead Raising in History and The Present
"-The Foundation of Life (Immortality)
"-The Practicals of Dead Raising (Includes Q&A)

"Tyler Johnson studied theology at Biola University, and is a graduate of Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry in Redding, California. He is a husband, father, author, international conference speaker, and missionary. He functions primarily in healing, miracles, prophetic evangelism, and a spirit of revelation. He and his wife, Christine, founded and direct The Dead Raising Team, have written four books, and are being used by God to spread fire and revival in the nations."

And it's only $40.00! Less than the cost of a family dinner at Red Lobster and you could be creating your very own zombies! Think of the possibilities. Wouldn't you be the hit of your next birthday party if you could get ELVIS to perform for your guests?  (That is, if he's really dead ...)

Hmmmm ... I wonder if any of this would work on the Democratic Party?

 

www.mikemalloy.com

Kathy never expected a career in radio as a talk show producer. Born and raised in Atlanta, Georgia, Kathy was completing her nursing degree when in 2001 - in an emergency - she was asked to fill in as the producer of Mike's program. Within a few (more...)
 
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Religion can be powerful.  Some people believ... by Doc McCoy on Thursday, Mar 13, 2014 at 1:16:33 AM
If God wanted to reanimate you, he wouldn't have k... by zzz05 on Thursday, Mar 13, 2014 at 2:58:32 PM
Is Beetlejuice alive or dead?  Michael Keato... by Derryl Hermanutz on Thursday, Mar 13, 2014 at 6:21:17 PM