Current Comedy, 1/1/09: Turning Over a New Belief

Dear Santa,

Once again I have been stiffed out of my Xmas wish list.  What gives?

Did you not get my list? Should I show you anew?

I know last year, I said I wished for a Democratic president and I didn’t care who it was so long as they could beat the legacy of Bush. OK, technically you’ve come through. Thanks again for the Obama puppet. No matter how much I complain, don’t think I don’t appreciate the horror show the McCain-Palin puppets would have been. You can indeed milk that particular piece of gratitude all the way till the cows come home.

But, you know, a Xmas wish list doesn’t have to be a strict guideline or anything. Remember, with my last year’s Christmas wish when I asked the Dem president, I had actually specified the “Kucinich” model? Missed a little detail there I guess.

Anyway, Dear Santa, Janus, whoever, here’s what I am after this year. Even though you didn’t get me any of this stuff for Xmas, it’s not too late. You could make it a New Year’s Resolution to try a little harder.

New Year’s is as good a holiday as Xmas to represent hope, and it lasts all year long. I know this wish list reads a little extreme, but if you’re all out of “world peace,” I’ll settle for that cheesy sweater you keep re-gifting me.

1. Dump Israel. I know I’m going straight for the jugular of the AIPAC consortium that Obama and Emanuel are beholden to. But, just like America finally admitted it had to disassociate itself from the Suharto-like conduct of Bush to regain our international credibility, we are going to have to reject the  behavior of our ally that occupies Palestine as if it were Birkenau if we are going to maintain a reputation for giving a shekel for the sanctity of human life. I know Revelationists and Neocons have been wet-dreaming about a confrontation like this for decades. It’s ironic how the same crowd who claim to love the sanctity of human life are always so willing to kill for it. But even Olmert admits it’s a “Pogrom” and Bush loves to defend a tough Israel, so come on Obama, you want to be thought of in that group? Take a clue.

2. Somebody clue those kiddies high on the last 8 years of Jesus Juice to learn some Christian-like humility because here in America, the supposed land of religious freedom, the big JC is no longer in charge. Desperate ditto heads are now turning the flames up on the old fire and brimstone routine in the hopes of shouting down the wardrobe malfunction of the Religious Right getting caught with their pants down backing the wrong guys in the last election.

To make matters worse for the theocrats just a couple of days after the Solstice New York Times Charles Blow’s “Heaven for the Godless” revealed that the vast majority of Americans are ready not only to equally respect non-Christian belief systems, but even essentially godless ones. As far as most Americans are concerned, being a good person is now more important than which god you have to bow through to get there.

3. Hey Santa, despite the Illinois government officials concerted best efforts, I know you have plenty of these items left over, so I say “indictments all around.” Just on the charge of treason we could fill a whole GEO Group regional operation. Sure, I’m talking the Bush in-crowd, the Bush out-crowd, and Pelosi and her co-conspirators who reduced Congress to ditherers and the propagandists who put that crap in our face 24/7 while the Bush crimes against humanity continued. But why stop there?

Before it spreads any farther we have to address the criminality of the whole Bail-out Bubble and the bubble-makers in general. And, not just the folks who dismantled Glass-Steagall, but the many who have profited knowing the plunders they were committing: all the big Greenspans and Paulsons and especially all the little Bernie Madoffs in banking and real estate in general, who knowingly made their money out of air and then expect real people to pay the real bills.

And while we’re at it, let’s include businesses who’ve denied their workers healthcare or outsourced their workers’ incomes while selling their products wrapped in Red-White-Blue. And not just the car companies execs who have willingly screwed not just America’s, but whole world’s economy and environment. For sure we need to roll in the oil execs who colluded with them against our country’s best interests. Bare minimum, only give bailout money to companies that replace their executives.

4. Fire anyone who has gotten their job by saying they want to reform education, for just like Reagan they aim to fix what ails government by starving it to death. The same people who have been in charge since the days when the 3Rs of education meant “Reading, ’Ritin’, and Repetition” are the same people who have risen to their power by promising “Reform.” Education has been in the process of reform for the last 40 years and gotten worse every year. It wouldn’t stay broke if you didn’t keep fixing it. Like George Washington and James Garfield the doctors in charge are killing the patient. Education will not be reformed until those in power actually address the needs of teachers and students and not the needs of each other.

But hey, times like these I hate to create unemployment, so let all educational administrators be rehired as janitors in the schools they’ve destroyed through inadequate funding and excess legislation. It’s going to take a lot of new staff to clean up the mess they’ve made. In fact, talking about firing people, downsize all the people (politicians, commentators and bean counters alike) who have been talking to you about saving taxes by cutting services. Government services are not supposed to be about saving our tax money, they are supposed to be about spending. It’s an old truism, but it certainly applies in this time of a changing of the guard: if the government can print funny money to buy wars and bailout businesses, then there is no excuse to not spend much, much more on the services our governments claim to be providing.

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