[Washington, DC --- Dissociated Press, Jan 3, 2011]
After an intense internal struggle, the Federal Election Commission announced today that it would require all candidates for President to take a Presidential Aptitude Test.
"We're sorry that our internal disagreements prevented our administering the PAT before the Iowa caucuses," said Finley Peter Dunne, chair of the Commission. "But we will do this well before the New Hampshire vote."
"Which answers to score as high and which as low depend, of course, on each voter's own value system," he added.
"We consulted with The Shalom Center, a Philadelphia-based think tank with long experience in the strange quirks of US politics, to develop the PAT. We would be glad to receive additional questions and answers to be added to the test. Send them to Office@theshalomcenter.org "
The PAT follows: --
1. The best way to prevent abortions and unwanted pregnancies is --
-- --a. Teaching abstinence-only sex education, forbidding any mention of contraception and requiring both parties to any heterosexual coitus to sign an oath ahead of time that they intend the act to produce children. -- --
b. Rewarding gay and lesbian unions with lavish subsidies, imposing strong tax penalties on official or unofficial heterosexual relationships. -- --
c. Requiring all persons between 14 and 84 years old to have three condoms and one morning-after pre-abortion pill on their persons at all times. --
2. In making the first "presidential" decision of your campaign, choosing a Vice-President, you feel the most important factor will be: -- --
a. Deep experience in national and international policy --
--b. Total lack of experience in national and international policy (the "surprise, surprise!" factor) --
--c. Gender -- --
dq. Good marital & parenting skills (for the "kvelling" vote)
--d. Bad marital & parenting skills (for the "I been there" vote) --