U.S. NEWS: Reporting this morning on an important conference that was held down at the local coffee shop, I have some enlightening news. The original subject of the conference was the cost to our good citizens of absorbing the now defunct SUV and truck market.

We discussed the fact that thousands of Americans owe far more on their SUVs and big diesel pickups than they are worth…a lot more. Not being able to sell a vehicle and not being able to afford to drive it presents a problem under most circumstances, but this isn’t most circumstances. Far higher levels of complex discussions have taken place at the coffee shop than this, and those issues were resolved before 9AM. Fuel would be no different.

It was Ralph who broke into new territory when he calmly asked, “What oil shortage?”

Every town has a guy like Ralph, not only does he not know much, it’s been rumored around here that Ralph doesn’t even suspect anything.

“There’s no oil shortage,” he continued, “Just like in the 70's, oil will come back down.” Taking a chance that Ralph may unload some unpublished scientific data on me, I said, “The U.S. produces 40% less oil today than did in 1970. The oil supply is gone like the Studebakers, Ralph, and it’s not coming back.”

After a lengthy diatribe of how GM and Ford forced Studebaker out of business back in 1966, Ralph said, “I bet they haven’t found 10% of the oil in the United States.” Several of Ralph’s relatives agreed.

Being a glutton for punishment, I foolishly asked, “Why, with oil being $136 per barrel, wouldn’t the oil companies go find the other 90%?” Ralph reared back with an all knowing smirk and said, “The government and the environmentalists won’t let them.”

At this point I demonstrated that the person who said, “Never argue with an idiot, they’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience,” knew of what they spoke, as I attempted to combat Ralph’s theory.”

“But Ralph, if the U.S. economy tanks, the government can’t collect taxes from the unemployed and being that tax collection is what they do for a living, why would they purposely sabotage themselves?”

Maintaining the perpetual smirk, Ralph poured himself another cup of high test and slowly stirred in four teaspoons of sugar as he considered his rebuttal. Looking slowly around the coffee shop as if searching for spies, Ralph leaned forward and half whispered, “They’re takin’ over.” “Who’s taking over Ralph?” I asked. “The same ones that bought up the 200 mile per gallon carburetor back during WWII.” Ralph’s relatives whole heartedly agreed again.

We went on to discuss the very real possibility of marshal law and the fact that the mortgage crisis was orchestrated in order for the government backed lenders to take over the housing in the U.S. so that they could rent them back to the public who will then be slaves. By this point, I felt like I was being beat by experience and answered my cell phone that wasn’t ringing and announced that my wife wanted me to come home and pull weeds.

Ain’t we something?