The Bush administration issued a rare wide-ranging apology today, after an accounting mistake led to a hundred-billion dollar additional funding to community colleges. The apology went to oil companies , who have been hurt by technology developed at several community colleges which makes petroleum obsolete and no longer needed. According to faculty press releases, the additional funding also developed cures for major health threats and established a computer program to eliminate inflation, deflation and runaway debt. President Bush reassured investors that corporations will continue to buy the nation’s assets at fire sale prices and wages will be kept well below the poverty level, despite the error in education funding.
The hundred billion dollar mistake occurred when the money erroneously went to colleges instead of Halliburton, its intended recipient. Colleges with less than a thousand students discovered major breakthroughs in transportation, including a nationwide network of mag-lev transport which eliminates the need for petroleum on the nation’s interstate highways. Ten billion dollars was allocated to light rail inter-city transportation, eliminating the need for urban gridlock and cutting oil imports so much the Saudis have registered a protest at the United Nations. Due to the fiscal mistake, money intended for wars overseas went to nutrition programs and education in inner cities, along with rural colleges in small towns, totally alleviating the need for additional defense funding.
In a precedent-shattering development, Mexican drug lords protested the community colleges developing hemp farms as a replacement for forest clear-cutting, petro-diesel and ethanol. The drug lords insisted that marijuana remain illegal, necessitating the import of petroleum products to produce carcinogenic diesel fuel. The price of tortillas rising over a hundred percent due to the demand for corn-based ethanol was also a major profit center for agribusiness such as Monsanto and ADM, and the leadership of the Latin Patron organization. A rare public announcement from the CIA also endorsed the prohibition of hemp, due to the CIA’s budgetary requirements.
College administrators were shocked at the generosity of the endowments, even though they amounted to less than one month’s funding for the Defense Dept. Major hospitals have reported a near complete absence of serious nutritionally-related illness in urban centers due to the accounting error, and may be forced to accept Medicare patients as a temporary expedient.
The major oil companies were protesting the funding mistake, insisting that they have only been able to make profits in the forty billion dollar range, barely enough to support CEO bonuses. Children have been receiving food due to the error, and test scores have soared dangerously from the depths of ignorance and GOP-voter levels to near-genius scores. One educator, who wished to remain anonymous said, “If this keeps up, there will be no Republican voters in the future.”
Wounded veterans have also been disappearing from the streets and tent and shopping-cart makers are reporting industry-wide losses.
One regrettable consequence of the funding mistake is a new computer program which precisely tracks the Bush administration’s funding of obsolete, monopolistic and destructive technologies and compares them with simple solutions to national priorities. The conclusions of this new program indicated that Bush is orchestrating the destruction of the American economy in order to facilitate ownership changes at fire-sale prices, making the ideals of freedom and justice an illusion in concert with heaven, hell and the Rapture promoted by Christian Fundamentalists.
Several community colleges have been tracking the actions of the Federal Reserve under the new funding, and have firmly established a pattern of inflation, deflation and debt calculated to dispossess the America people slowly, generation by generation, so that few will notice they are virtual slaves of the banking system. Meanwhile, bankers have reportedly been fleeing to Switzerland, in anticipation of RICO indictments surging from newly-endowed community college law schools.
President Bush has issued a statement reassuring the public that this mistake is purely accidental and temporary and the knowledge and technological advances will be recalled and the funds restored to Halliburton and Exxon. Accidental college degrees will be rescinded and any knowledge gained and scientific advances will be permanently censored as having illegitimate origins. On the basis of Bush’s remarks, Evangelicals, Orthodox Jews and Fundamentalist Moslems appeared to be conditionally mollified. Further developments will not be reported on the major media.