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Brother and Sister Sexual Abuse: The Secret Reveal

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There are many reasons why sexual abuse happens and we still do not have all the answers. Some suggestions conclude the following reasons for brother-sister sexual abuse : (1) the brother may use his sister to experiment about sex. (2) The brother may be socially awkward or been emotionally neglected and seek out his sister for affection and attention this is especially true if the parents are distance and unloving. (3) The brother may have a history of physical and sexual abuse and abuses his sister as a reaction to his own experience.

Whatever the reason may be it is very important to remember that being sexually abused is never your fault you did nothing to cause the abuse. He abused you because something within him and not because something you said or done.

I came across an article that made me cry and gave me your link to talk about it. I am a survivor of sexual abuse that started when I was a little girl. I have no memory of when it started and vague memories of things happening. I do remember my brother molesting me that memory is very vivid in my mind. I believe I may have been raped but   have no memory of it as a little girl   only my parents telling me that I had had "surgery" down there which is why I was never a technical virgin except in my mind.

We moved away from our home town when I was 5 this is where I think it happened. We came back every summer to visit my older brother who lived with my grandmother. It seemed to me that every time I was alone no matter how old I was I was being taken advantage of. My memories are just glimpses of what really happened and I have learned to block my emotions off. Sometimes it even seems so cold and so controlled but I know if I let them out they are too much for me to handle and I cry for no reason. Still end up crying when I really need to talk about anything important to me.

My first memory is of being around 5 years old, staying with my great grandmother and her husband John. We never called him grandpa. I was sitting on his lap and he took out his penis and had me touch it. I do not remember much after that just blackness and vagueness. I always felt anxious sleeping over there unless we slept with grandma. My sister and I would watch out for each other when we went to the bathroom. It seems that when our underwear was pulled down he would always find a reason to come in we were 5 and 6 year old.

Various cousins have also taken advantage of me and I did not know how to say no even when I want to. As I got older I had trust issues with everyone around me and noticed that I always kept an eye on everything around me and hate being surprised. I am always very aware of all situations around me and keep close tabs on people's body language and still did not trust anyone. I have gone through this with one sister and one younger brother. We did not talk about it but we knew what happened because from time to time my sister will make small comments like yeah we understand.   My sister and I were both molested which caused us to be very close until recently.

Certain things have come about that I felt betrayed again but this time by my sister. She had started treating me like crap and usually for no reason. We would be having a good time and I would ask someone (usually not her) and she would come out like an angry bear and treat me like dirt. Once we were at a party everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves listening to rock band. I asked her to turn up the volume because we could not hear the beat she turns it up a little so I asked her to turn it up a little more she freaks out and said no do it yourself. I am not your f*cking slave. I was in the middle of a song and she had the remote right in front of her. I got so angry and said I asked you nicely must you be such a b*tch all the time. I remember another time she made me so angry and my temper finally broke and I walked over to her and hit her she hit me back and we start to fight. I am much stronger and know that I can really hurt her so I hit her only a few times. Later I was very sorry. I am not sure if our relationship can be repaired all I know is I cannot handle being around her and she makes me feel so betrayed and hurt by her actions.

I think what had triggered a lot of emotion in me is that my older brother the one who had molested me from when I was 8 until I reached 13 years old. My brother confessed to molesting me. He cried and broke down asking me to forgive him. I told him I forgive him and that I will always love him because he is still my brother. He then told me that he was raped when he was a boy. My brother learned that he was the result of our mother being raped. She was raped by her uncle and gave birth to him and in turn gave him to her mother to raise (thereby keeping him in the same household). I know he feels abandoned, unloved, and maybe deserving of being abused. He does lot of drugs and admits being an alcoholic and controlling of his wife, jealous of any attention she receives. When I was a little girl my mother started popping pills she once over - dosed and was hospitalized for drug abuse. We were never allowed to make noise and let anyone see our family as anything other than perfect. No one was to know what was going on.

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I used to go to bed fully dressed and have my mom make fun of me when I did. I continued to wear boy shirts and clothes buttoned right up and tried to pretend I was a guy. When I got my first period I cried because I knew I could get pregnant now, and I never wanted to have children. I never wanted any little girl to go through what I did. Again my mom made fun of me when I cried. I learn from the time I was 12 to stop crying in front of her. I would purposely make myself angry. I would repeat over and over in my head "get angry don't cry don't let her see you cry." If she could not make me cry she would send me to my room.

From this experience I learned never to show how I was really feeling to anyone I have learned to be a perfectionist and never show anyone if I am having a problem I had to be independent and very self-aware. I have never gone to a therapist. I read a lot of articles and recently made new friends and talked to them but not about everything. The issue of trust was more powerful than my desire to talk about my feelings. I was afraid to let anyone in and apparently I often intimidate women. I come across as confident and unyielding. However, the antithesis is closer to the truth. The truth is I have learned how to hide the scared, confused, and hurt child within. the inner child is still there lost, alone, and crying.

Author's note:

The sexual abuse by a brother may have deeply affected you. Sexual abuse by brothers can be as traumatic as any other act of sexual abuse. You have a right to have your abuse experience be treated as the serious trauma it been for you. You deserve to have people in your life to love, respect, and support you. You are very important. You are worthwhile. You have the will and skills to work through your feelings and become a healthier and happier person.

You can recover from the negative effects your sexual abuse had caused. You have the ability to make the changes in your life that you desire. You can decide who you want to be. With help and support you can work through the pain and shame and reclaim what was always there a brave, creative, worthwhile person. Remember you are a true survivor of sexual abuse.

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William(Bill)Smith, Ph.D. an author, psychotherapist,consultant and personal coach. My practice focuses on online counseling, phone and face-to-face session with survivors of personal trauma,childhood abuse, relationship concerns, and individual (more...)

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I repeat the words of one brother/sister survivor:... by Dr. William Smith on Thursday, Jan 10, 2013 at 11:46:51 AM