Breaking: The County of Los Angeles to be Auctioned Off

In a joint statement issued by Los Angeles County Supervisors Zev Yaroslavsky and Mike Antonovich, L.A. County will aution off the county on Jan.5, 2009, to the highest bidder.

"We can no longer afford to own our own county," Yaroslavsky said.

The startling announcement was made after the board of supes were notified on Tuesday by LACERA [Los Angeles County Employees Retirement Association] Chief Executive Officer Greg Rademacher presented them with a report on the system's financial condition, noting that from June 30, 2007, through Sept. 30, 2008, the fund dropped 8 percent, from $40.9 billion to $37.8 billion.

The bottom line is that tax payers may have to come up with an additional $500 million a year by 2011 to prop up the system, according to the report.

Being as bad at ciphering as they are, the supes asked citizens to divide seven million people or so -- legal and illegal -- into $500 million to figure out how much each resident will have to come up with to bail out the county, just in case there aren't any buyers.

"We're not totally stupid,"Antonovich said, "we're just money-mad, spending freaps who are totally fiscally irresponsible, therefore we must sell off our favorite toy, the County of Los Angeles.

"It's been our security bankie for so many years, but it's time for us to grow up, much as we don't want to," Antonovich added.

The sealed bids are open to any and all comers, but Vegas odd makers are putting their money on the Chinese.

"We already have a big investment in Chinatown," said Wi-Wil Own U, head of China's trade delegation. "We feel that L.A. County is a good investment for us. Everyone knows we can turn around a sinking economy, and unlike our food, we promise that the county won’t go broke again a year after we buy it.“

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