Many of us have had experiences of walking into a
social situation and feeling shy, awkward, hesitant, and even fearful. Other
times we can feel that people are scoffing at us because we apparently said
something silly or foolish. We can also believe that our physical appearance or
clothing is drawing critical attention, or that everyone was laughing at us
when we played ineptly at the picnic volleyball game.
In self-centeredness, we typically exaggerate the degree
to which people notice us or think critically about our appearance. Mentally or
intellectually, we know that people have better things to do than to make us the
center of their attention. They're often too preoccupied with their own lives
to even pay us much notice. Emotionally, though, our impression can be very
different: We can feel that others not only focus their attention on us but
also think less of us.
This feeling of being judged negatively comes and goes.
Sometimes it seems to live inside us like an intestinal worm feeding off our
entrails. We tell ourselves we're as worthy and good as anyone else. Yet our
emotions often say otherwise. Our subjective impressions don't correspond to objective
reality. Why is that?
Many of us are encumbered with an emotional attachment
to the feeling of being seen in a negative light. This problem stems from an
unresolved inner conflict. In our conscious
mind, we want to be liked, admired, and respected. However, in our unconscious mind where our irrational
emotions are rooted, we can expect to be seen in the opposite manner, as if
we're unworthy of being liked, admired, or respected. As it happens, that's
exactly how our inner critic (superego) usually treats us--or how we allow it to
treat us. This part of our psyche, by way of an inner voice or feeling, frequently
alleges that we're weak, unworthy, and foolish.
Even though our unconscious expectation of being
regarded negatively is irrational, it's still a powerful attachment in our
psyche. We "know" ourselves through that feeling. This means that, in part, we identify
with ourselves through the feeling. It's as if the negative feeling is an
essential element of who we are. We won't be able to recognize ourselves without
this feeling. We feel lost, disoriented, and even panicky without the reassurance
of our familiar identity. Deep down, we remain emotionally unresolved with a
sense of being unworthy, badly flawed, or just plain bad. Guilt and shame are
usually associated with this painful sense of self.
When it comes to being seen in a negative light, we're
first in line to do it to ourselves. Our inner critic is a dependable backstabber,
while our self--doubt keeps supplying it with knives. When we're watchful, we
can see this conflict in ourselves. I had my own attachment to being seen in a
negative light. One day 20 years ago, working on my first book, I wrote a few
thousand words that I felt were creative and insightful. That night I had a
dream in which I was promoted to the rank of general and sent off to an
overseas war-zone. Crowds cheered me on the way to the Tampa airport in an
open-air limousine for my flight to the Middle East. In this dream (called "a dream
of refutation") I tried to establish a defense (that I wanted to be cheered and
admired) to cover up my unresolved attachment to being judged critically and,
as it related to my book, having my work rejected. My identification with the
general and my thrill in waving to the cheering crowds were intended to "prove"
that I really wanted acceptance and admiration. By seeing through this defense
and others like it, I've acquired the insight that reduced this inner conflict,
and I've been able to achieve a higher degree of writing proficiency.
Unless we turn the tables on our inner critic, we cling
anxiously to a passive sense of who we are, even when doing so entails
considerable suffering. We may also be physiologically
entangled in this identity. Many neuroscientists say that our sense of self
emerges out of the staggering complexity of our brain's component parts. So our
identity, our sense of self, can be described as our brain's "software". That
software is now outdated. It's too prone to self-sabotage, and it can't handle
the modern world's complexity. It needs upgrading, as occurs when inner conflicts
are resolved. Typical conflicts consist of wanting to be admired while expecting
to be belittled, or anxiously seeking approval or validation while painfully anticipating
or experiencing disapproval or rejection.
We know how to upgrade computer software, and now we're
being challenged to upgrade our brain's software so that our inner views
correspond with objective reality. This "enhancement" of brain function
involves raising the level of our consciousness. This means that we acquire
pertinent self-knowledge concerning the nature of our inner conflict and
emotional attachments.
Incidentally, neuroscientists seem to me to be fixated
on the brain's "hardware," its synapses, neurons, and other organic features. I
think the hardware is less relevant than the brain's software, particularly the
irrational, emotional, and negative impressions we produce. Our greater destiny
is linked to our consciousness, meaning the synthesis of our intelligence with
reality and psychological truth, not to the organic complexity or features of
our brain. For the sake of our destiny, we must strive where we can each make a
difference, with our brain's malleable software more so than its intractable hardware.
We can become more conscious, for instance, of why
people make such a cultural sport of seeing others in a negative light.
Malicious gossip--along with florid media coverage of dishonorable, disgusting,
and dopey behaviors--captures our attention because the subject provides us with
some inner relief from self-criticism. "You see," our unconscious defenses
claim, "I'm not nearly as bad as that person."
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