Kyle Field - Texas A&M University by Kaloozer
by Walter Brasch
Fewer people know the names of the recent Nobel laureates than the starting quarterbacks for Division I college teams. To find out why, I went to Green Valley College where the regional chief accreditor, unable to find a tailgate party, was grilling the president.
"How's your football team doing this season?" was the first question.
"Our football team?" asked the president.
"Yes, your football team. The most important part of any major college."
"We're 1-and-5 and very proud of our team," said a beaming president, noting the players had the fewest penalties of any team in the conference.
"You have a full allotment of NCAA scholarships and you're still only 1 and 5?"
"We diverted our athletic scholarships to academic scholarships."
"This is serious. I assume you're planning to replace your coach."
"We hadn't thought about it," said the president, mystified by the inquiry. "Coach Samuels is one of the nation's most respected environmental physicists, teaches a full load of courses, and then works out the team an hour or two in the evenings."
"An hour or two?" said the accreditor, mockingly. "No wonder your school has such a dismal record! Most colleges have twice-a-day drills for two or three hours at a time, and then spend the rest of the day in the weights room or watching game films. The students don't even go to class in the Fall. Your coaching staff must be lazy not to work your athletes more."
"We only have two assistant coaches. One teaches sociology, the other is an anthropologist."
"Most colleges have a dozen coaches," said the accreditor. "How can you not have assistant coaches for ends, backs, and nose guards?"
"We have a good staff in our anatomy and physiology labs," said the president, adding that with additional assistant directors in Music and Theatre, the college produces professional-class musical comedies.