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Are You Ready for Less Academics?

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From http://www.flickr.com/photos/39196943@N05/3961711522/: Kyle Field - Texas A&M University
Kyle Field - Texas A&M University by Kaloozer
 

      by Walter Brasch

Fewer people know the names of the recent Nobel laureates than the starting quarterbacks for Division I college teams. To find out why, I went to Green Valley College where the regional chief accreditor, unable to find a tailgate party, was grilling the president.

"How's your football team doing this season?" was the first question.

"Our football team?" asked the president.

"Yes, your football team. The most important part of any major college."

"We're 1-and-5 and very proud of our team," said a beaming president, noting the players had the fewest penalties of any team in the conference.

"You have a full allotment of NCAA scholarships and you're still only 1 and 5?"

"We diverted our athletic scholarships to academic scholarships."

"This is serious. I assume you're planning to replace your coach."

"We hadn't thought about it," said the president, mystified by the inquiry. "Coach Samuels is one of the nation's most respected environmental physicists, teaches a full load of courses, and then works out the team an hour or two in the evenings."

"An hour or two?" said the accreditor, mockingly. "No wonder your school has such a dismal record! Most colleges have twice-a-day drills for two or three hours at a time, and then spend the rest of the day in the weights room or watching game films. The students don't even go to class in the Fall. Your coaching staff must be lazy not to work your athletes more."

"We only have two assistant coaches. One teaches sociology, the other is an anthropologist."

"Most colleges have a dozen coaches," said the accreditor. "How can you not have assistant coaches for ends, backs, and nose guards?"

"We have a good staff in our anatomy and physiology labs," said the president, adding that with additional assistant directors in Music and Theatre, the college produces professional-class musical comedies.

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www.walterbrasch.com

Walter Brasch is an award-winning journalist and professor of journalism emeritus. His current books are Before the First Snow: Stories from the Revolution , America's Unpatriotic Acts: The Federal Government's Violation of Constitutional (more...)
 

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Jamie McMurray won the Talladega 500 NASCAR race. ... by Ceric on Monday, Oct 21, 2013 at 12:16:19 PM