Are you holy enough to be a
Republican? We've developed a list
to simplify the process of finding out. Check
each of the following items with which you agree. By tallying the checks and using the guide at
the end of the essay, you will find out if you qualify.
You are holy enough if "
You believe that writing "Happy Holiday" on a Christmas card is outrageous blasphemy.
You think the song, I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, clearly refers to the fact that Santa is White.
You believe that the Christmas holiday has no roots in ancient Rome, and that it is unrelated to Paganism or the Winter Solstice.
You believe that Santa Claus (who is white -- and is an actual person -- not a historical fiction) is a fundamentalist Christian who loves Jesus, who also was DEFINITELY white.
You are also certain that God speaks only in English, and is a religious fanatic like you are.
You hate immigrants because they do not speak English, which is God's language.
You hate homosexuals.
Your preacher of choice when it comes to homosexuality is the redneck biblical scholar, Phil Robertson.
You believe Phil Robertson when he said that homosexuality is a form of bestiality.
You admire Phil Robertson's unkempt beard (like Charlton Heston who played Moses, which was clearly influenced by the painting of God on the ceiling of the Vatican who obviously is a white male and has a long white beard.)
You agree with the logic of Phil Robertson that vaginal sex is better than anal sex but you need further guidance about how that invalidates lesbian sex.
You are pro-life but you are pro a lot of things: You are also pro state-electrocutions, -lethal injections, -hangings, -shootings, -endless wars, -assassinations, or children accidentally-or-on-purpose killing other children with semiautomatic weapons.
You believe that any abortion is murder even if the baby consists of a microscopic ball of slime.