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A Hole in My Heart

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  Go figure. My doctors found a literal hole in my heart! I could have told them. I knew it was there. I could feel the gaping hole. All day, every day, everything that had any meaning fell through the hole, much like the hole that Alice in Wonderland fell through, only mine didn't evolve into a magical land of make-believe.  

No, my hole is a land of nothingness: A place where only tears and memories reside that make me miss him all the more. Every test the doctor's wanted to perform that was painful, I'd ask for a few minutes to allow me to escape to my "happy place". Philip was always my "happy place", not just in this life, but always in our life together.

Can love lost grow a hole? I'm told no, but I doubt they know what they know. Medicine is science and based on very specific, quantitative studies. Love is love. It's based solely on the heart. Hence, a hole in the heart would be based only on the emotion of love lost. That makes perfect sense to me.

Perhaps it's not a doctor at all that I should seek for healing? Perhaps it's a lovelorn therapist? Or would it be a Yenta? A Matchmaker like the one Barbra Streisand sings about: "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match"" If not a love guru, a therapist or a matchmaker, who should I find to heal this hole in my heart?

Should I try a psychic healer? Oh, I know, I should see one of those TV evangelists. The one's that put their sweaty palms on stranger's foreheads. They mutter or shout something in a garbled language and their subject goes limp and falls straight away backwards and into the strong arms of bodyguard types at the ready. But, then again I've never seen what becomes of their hearts in need of healing. Do they get all better? Is their hole gone?

If not my physician or a therapist, or a Yenta, or a Matchmaker, or a love guru, or a lovelorn mistress, or a TV evangelist, who then should I seek? Who, pray tell can thread a needle and bind together two pieces of flesh sealing them to close my hole? Maybe sewing is not the answer at all; maybe super glue would do the trick. After all it binds everything, even fingertips if you're not careful!

But then again I'm really drawn to the idea of a Matchmaker; maybe it's because I like hearing Barbra in my head singing, "Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match""

However, as I contemplate fully, perhaps I'm going in the wrong direction entirely. Is it possible that what I really need is a physician who melds together the mind and the body? Could my broken heart actually bore a hole in my heart: A real, actual, tangible hole? Would that be the epitome of mind and body connection?

Hmm, where do I go from here? It's true after all that the weaker I felt physically the sadder I became emotionally? How would that be measurable? There are days to be sure that all it takes is the image of him in my head and the tears flow. Sometimes it's just the mention of his name, or someone, anyone asks me a simple, benign question such as, "Is Philip still your healthcare advocate?"

And I find I have no voice in which to reply. My lips quiver and try as I might to answer, the sadness overcomes me and I'm lost in the memory of my Philip, my Philippe'. Such a beautiful, captivating man; I look at his reflection framed throughout my house and my hand caresses them as if I could actually feel him.

I wish I could. I wish I could. I wish could. I think what I miss the most is the smell of him. I can't define it because he had no odor not even upon first waking. I, on the other hand, wouldn't let him kiss me until I brushed my teeth. He'd say, "Kiss me. I don't care." And he didn't"his love was so pure. He loved just for me. So, is it no wonder that I have a hole in my heart: An actual hole?  

The expression "broken heart" truly defines me and the state of my heart. I'm broken hearted and I have a hole in my heart.

 

www.togetherforeverchanging.org

Norma Sherry is co-founder of TogetherForeverChanging.org, an organization devoted to educating, stimulating, and igniting personal responsibility particularly with regards to our diminishing civil liberties. She is also an award-winning (more...)
 

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My continuing story...I hope this touches your hea... by Norma Sherry on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 2:48:52 AM
makes it impossible to move ahead.  Memories ... by Doc McCoy on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 7:59:32 AM
along.  Nothing to see here."  More humo... by Mark Adams JD/MBA on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:53:09 AM
Dear Mark,Thank you for coming to my rescue. As I ... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 1:56:36 PM
Dear Doc McCoy,I appreciate where you are coming f... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 1:52:39 PM
Define who we are, define the filters we use to vi... by Rob Kall on Wednesday, Jul 25, 2012 at 8:17:21 AM
Dear Rob,How nice of you to weigh-in! It's interes... by Norma Sherry on Wednesday, Jul 25, 2012 at 11:40:04 AM
  I have heard it takes two years to get... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:04:20 AM
  We live for a time and then sometimes ... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:14:41 AM
  Maybe soon we will both be going throu... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:20:28 AM
  Something like this happens to me once... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:28:27 AM
When not at home or when one is living in creation... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:43:39 AM
  If so it is very beautiful... by Theresa Paulfranz on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 10:53:11 AM
It is us on one of our anniversaries...... by Norma Sherry on Wednesday, Jul 25, 2012 at 11:37:20 AM
Dear Theresa,I appreciate your heartfelt emotions,... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 8:48:58 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkpAXBdxdQ... by Greg on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 4:19:39 PM
Thank you for this link into the mind of this rema... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 9:30:58 PM
Your article moved me.  As I glanced through ... by Burl Hall on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 9:16:42 PM
Burl,You have such a loving heart and I thank you ... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 9:00:08 PM
{{{{{hug}}}}} from a sister ...... by Virginia Simson on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 12:15:22 AM
Hug received. Thank you!... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 8:57:14 PM
In the story ' The chattering house ghost'  b... by Mark Sashine on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 12:29:43 PM
Dear Mark,I thank you for your direction and for y... by Norma Sherry on Tuesday, Jul 24, 2012 at 9:07:08 PM