I'm kind of
an impossible person difficult to buy
anything for and trying to purchase something for me for Christmas is no
exception. What do you give the
woman who has very distinct likes and dislikes everything? For starters, you don't give her this:
the snowblower from hell
Man versus machine, my behind. I do not want either of these things blowing anything at me in my driveway.
Not to belabor the point, but I have an extremely acute
sense of smell, so I am very sensitive to
odors scents of any kind. Gardenias, brownies or cookies baking
in the oven, Marc Jacobs men's cologne (be still my heart, Mr. Wonderful) and
fresh cut grass = pleasant, appealing, yummy, good. What I don't want to have stinking up my nostrils
unwrap is exhaust from said man or snow blower, the smell of vanilla candles,
sachets of any kind, some God-awful perfume that I'll never wear or imitation almond
extract. Ever. While we're at it,
please rethink anything that comes with a diffuser or "oozes". Even open sores don't smell as bad as
cheap chocolate covered cherries.
When it comes to the jewelry department, do not be going
near a jewelry "department" of any kind.
Jewelry should be bought in a jewelry store. But let's be honest.
If every kiss begins with "Kay", and I find a box with that name on it
being handed to me, it will surely be the
kiss of death end of our
relationship. Think Bulgari, Tiffany, Georg Jensen. Think big. And
then think again. Whatever you
pick will not be " just fine" my taste. I don't want a tennis bracelet unless the diamonds are each
the size of Wilson balls. Let me
pick out my own stuff and you can write me a check for all my trouble. The last man that tried to buy me
jewelry got me this.
Yes. It was that bad.
Nothing says you have no clue about my taste than some crappy
gift basket from a place that makes its fortune one month a year by spending
the other eleven manufacturing "processed cheese food" and mysterious sausage
of questionable origin with enough red dye in it to make my lipstick envious. So just in case there's any question,
here's another thing I don't want to see
getting foisted on coming
anywhere near me ever again this Christmas:
I'm a real pain in the ass, aren't I? I prefer to be thought of as
discerning. If I go into someone's
home and see that the aesthetic leans toward Jewish French Provincial "antiques"
or sleek, modern Italian, what would possess me or anyone else to go out
and buy that person a shag welcome mat with poodles and pom-poms? Which part of "this will go immediately
into the trash regifting program," do you not get?
Now, I'm all for gift cards, but I have learned my lesson
in the past. Buying gift cards to
bookstores for people who
never pretend to read is the equivalent of
getting me season tickets to the Lakers.
I happen to love books and it's not like anyone has the money to buy me
season's tickets to the Lakers (okay, maybe they do, but then they would also
have to throw in a year's worth of airline tickets or better yet, a year's
worth of Net Jets). I would likely
keep the airline tickets and sell the tickets on e-Bay. And there would be one strict
condition. I'm not going to use
the airline tickets only to go to LA.
I have other places to discover I won't like and have no
illusions of making it on to the big screen unless there's a wide angle.
So, a little recap here. Do NOT buy me "machinery" or stinky, smelly things. Do NOT go to the mall on Christmas Eve
the last minute and get me some crappy earrings I will never wear. Do NOT have a gift basket containing "food"
that will survive nuclear catastrophe delivered to my house and do not try to
redecorate my home. Lastly, DO NOT
buy me season's tickets to any sporting event. As a matter of fact, do not buy me anything. Just tell me you love me and can't wait
to spend Christmas Eve with me, together alone. Without any lingerie that doesn't fit.
I hope you're listening.