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McCain: You don’t telegraph your punches! I would just invade and bomb them without telling anyone ahead of time, kinda like Bush is doing already. You need to speak softly and carry a big stick. Obama’s not using his inside voice! Pakistan turned against us because of such loose lips—not because of that air strike last week that killed 18 civilians.
Obama: Oh, that’s rich coming from someone who keeps singing bad impressions of the Beach Boys and talks about seeing how high the rubble will bounce in Pyongyang! And shouting “Next stop—Baghdad!”
Brokaw: Alright, alright you two. Settle down! So what’s up with Afghanistan guys?
Obama: We need to put more troops there, just like Bush is doing right now.
McCain: Well, when I was chugging Jello Shots and Rusty Nails in the hot tub with General Petraeus, he told me that Obama was WRONG about the Surge.
Brokaw: What about going toe-to-toe with the Russkies?
McCain: Vladimir’s been a bad boy and needs to be put in the Time Out Chair.
Obama: Yes, and we need oil from Russia too.
Brokaw: Is Russia the Galactic Empire and where is Hans Solo when we need him?
Obama: I would say we need to punish the behavior, not the child.
McCain: Maybe. That’s all I’m gonna say.
TERRY SHIREY: If Iran attacks Israel, which of you would push the button first?
McCain: Everything I learned about leadership I learned in POW camp. If Iran gets nukes, then everybody’s gonna want ‘em. If Iran jumps off a cliff, does that mean it’s OK for you to do the same? You kids get off my lawn! We need a Big Stick B. F. Skinner to modify their bad behavior by putting Iran into a little box until they learn their lesson. That and a few well-placed swats with a coat hanger.
Obama: Israel is our bestest friend on the whole block. We will never take that coat hanger off the table. But we do need to return those voicemails from Ahmedinejad. Bush didn’t talk to them and they starting acting out. Bad for the whole neighborhood.
Brokaw: So if you could be any kind of tree in the universe what would it be?
Obama: My wife Michelle knows more about trees than I do, but that’s because I started out on food stamps, living off the government dole. I know what it’s like to subsist on government cheese and not be able to buy Yoo Hoos with WIC coupons. People lost their health care and went bankrupt, partly because of the Bankruptcy Bill that McCain voted for and I opposed. (Although I did ask to remove bankruptcy reform in the Bailout package.) Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. What’s the Matter With Kansas? They keep voting against their own self-interest. Vote for me and I’ll vote for my own self-interest. Oh, and yours. Thank you.
