Well, like it or not, at six and a half months, my son would be making his way into this world.

The birth was quick and so easy. Probably because the epidural did a magnificent job as always, and I thought here is my chance to finally get this thing out of me. Pushing him out of me felt like a huge burden had been set off my shoulders. I enjoyed a feeling of exhilaration and relief. Not because I had a healthy newborn son, but because he was finally out and I could get back to dealing with just me.

The arrival of my son, after spending the first  two weeks of his infant life in neonatal ICU, was cause for much celebration in our household. I had no interest in this new arrival and saw him as a hindrance to my needs and wants. Could no-one understand. I wanted to be alone. This little person was invading my space.

Till this day, when I look upon my son, waves of guilt overwhelm me and I feel so ashamed. I worry about the day he will be told and what then ? What will go through his mind ?

The magnitude and extent of human suffering this illness brings on, is inexplicable and devoid of comprehension.

The only regret I have is being ill-informed. Two and half years is what it took for me to return to but a mere shadow of former myself.

You know what I ended up accepting. Lightbulb moment. Experiences like this are life-altering by its very intent and nature.

I find that I can no longer tolerate conflict-laden situations, or everyday pressures with the same gumption and resolve I had before my depression.

I doubt though that anyone who endures such serious depression in pregnancy ever fully recovers. But I believe as a loyal servant of Allah SWT, keeping the faith goes a long way to keeping sane and strong.

Pull yourself together. Oh how I wish it could have been that simple!

1. Conflicted pregnancies, e.g. unplanned, ill-timed;
2. “Emotionally charged” pregnancies, e.g. post-infertility pregnancies; Complicated pregnancies
3. Major stressful life events, e.g. bereavement, miscarriage, relocation, redundancy;
4. Negative socio-economic factors and stresses;
5. Lack of emotional support, especially from family and partner;
6. Previous depressive illness or psychiatric disorders.

• Stay close to people who are supportive, sensitive and uncritical.
• Keep communication open and friendly with your partner – if needs be, have some marriage/couple counselling.
• Be well informed.
• Know that even the best birth-plan may not come to fruition; that it doesn’t mean you are a failure if things work out differently.
• Try not to make major changes to your life at this time – the baby will be enough of a challenge. Don’t move house, get a new pet, do major renovations etc.
• If you are feeling very anxious or depressed most of the time, don’t just tell yourself that it will go away, although it may. Talk to someone about it: your gynaecologist, childbirth educator, GP, your partner, mother or a trusted friend. We can also help you – PNDSA. (The Postnatal Depression Support Association). (Call: 082 882 0072)
• Know that 1 pregnant woman in 10 suffers from Ante-natal Depression. It is not her fault.
• Know that interventions for Ante-natal Depression will help avoid the debilitating, long-lasting negative effects of Postnatal Depression, that will impact adversely on the woman, her partner and also on her baby.

[ http://www.pndsa.co.za/anxiety_depression.htm ]

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