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There are two parts to the actual practice of Verbal First Aid: Rapport and Suggestion. Without the first, the second doesn't work.
Gaining rapport is like a stool--it stands on three legs: Authority, Believability, and Compassion. When people are scared, we look for a benevolent authority to tell us what to do, how to find safety. It is instinctive to all social animals.
Especially to children, who are helpless and look to adults for security. If we're not believable--for instance, if we tell someone, "Everything's going to be okay," when it's clearly not okay--we lose rapport quickly. And without true empathy--the ability to feel what someone else is feeling--our words ring hollow.
Rapport is the track. Suggestion is the locomotive. When we have rapport--when a child sees us as a kind and competent authority--our words can help lead them to healing--both emotionally and physically.
This is a typical scenario: You've taken your niece to the county fair. It's her first time. She gets onto the Ferris wheel with you, but you can see her grip on the bars is tight and she seems anxious.
If you are impatient or unaware of the importance of your words, you might dismiss her anxiety with a casual, "Cut it out. You're acting like a baby." Unfortunately, all that does is perpetuate the anxiety and add in a dash of shame.
With Verbal First Aid as one of your tools, you build on the rapport you've developed over the years by saying, "Looks like you're holding on pretty tight there." Your niece responds, "It's scary." "It's scary the first time," you pace her feelings. Then, as you take your bracelet off and put it on your niece's wrist, you say, "But now you've got my magic bracelet. You hold on to it while we ride, okay? It's easier to enjoy the ride when you know you've got magic with you." Your niece smiles, relaxing.
According to proponents of interpersonal neurobiology such as Siegel and Schore, the "Mind" is distinct from the brain in that it is an internal process that regulates the flow of energy and information and can observe thoughts as they occur in the brain. Other speakers in the field, such as Gary Sibcy, state that when people make spiritual and emotional changes, they are making brain changes.
Verbal First Aid could not be more important when we are speaking to the developing mind of a child. It Is not only helpful in calming a child after or even during a crisis, nor is it solely a beautiful and simple way to facilitate physiologic changes (lowering respiratory rates, bleeding cessation, or reducing inflammatory responses) in the present moment, but it gives growing children the resources they need to develop into confident, integrated, and resilient adults.
