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The Palin/Karzai Summit, Exposed
By Stephen Pizzo (about the author) Page 3 of 3 page(s)
PALIN: "You know, Hamid, I'm governor of a state with all kinds of tribes. Some are called Eskimos others are just called "Indians,"-- not the Gunga Din kind of Indian, but the Geronimo kind. And, like Pakistan, we keep our tribes in their own regions too. We call them "reservations.
"So I know a bit about tribal regions, I tell ya. And what I say is that sending in troops is not the answer. We tried that a century ago with our tribes, and the liberal press was all over us about it. So we came up with another idea -- let the tribes have casinos on their reservations.
"So, if you want to calm things down in Pakistan what ya do is call Steve Wynn in Los Vegas and send him to Pakistan to set up casinos in the tribal regions. In a year the only thing they'll be fighting over is a place at the blackjack table. Just one warning, and we learned this the hard way too ... don't let the tribes have liquor licenses. When those guys get liquored up, it's Katie bar the door!"
KARZAI: "Casinos? In Pakistan's tribal areas? Of course you are aware that gambling is against Islamic law?"
PALIN: (Dismissively waving her hand.) "Oh don't worry about that little thing, Hamid. Christians were against gambling it too once. But these days, you can't swing a dead cat in any US tribal casino without hitting Christian gamblers. The Catholics put a million cracks in that glass ceiling with their bingo thing, and it's been great guns ever since."
KARZAI: "What will be your and John McCain's policy towards Iran acquiring nuclear weapons?"
PALIN: "I was asked that by Fox News too, and I said I would look right at the Iranians, and without blinking tell them in no uncertain terms, 'thanks but no thanks' to nukes."
KARZAI: "But what if the Iranians persist, Ms. Palin, are you prepared to bomb Iranian nuclear facilities?"
PALIN: "You now, in Alaska we're just a 30-30 shot away from Russia, which has nuclear weapons, ya know. I can practically see Russia from my kitchen window. So I have considerable experience with facing down nuclear threats. Now, as for bombing them, well, I would have to pray on that with my minister. He's really patched into the Almighty, ya know. And he can smell a witch 20 miles away.
Do you have witches in Afghanistan?"
KARZAI: "Ah, no... no I don't believe we have any witches."
PALIN: "Oh, you're SO lucky, Hamid. We have tons of them. Of course they don't call themselves witches. They call themselves "feminists." But they're witches alright, and my minister gives them a good dose of holy hell. We used to be able to burn them at the stake, but ever since the liberals took over America we're not allowed to do that anymore. So my reverend just runs them out of town and ruins their lives.
Oh, and my minister, he speaks in tongues too. Do Mooselums speak in tongues too?"
KARZAI: "Well, we have tongues, if that's what you mean."
PALIN: "No, silly." (Reaching over and slapping Karzai on the knee.) I mean when the Holy Spirit enters your body and you start speaking in strange languages. We call that 'speaking in tongues.' You start by praising to the Lord and waving your hands over your head and suddenly you start speaking in tongues, like; 'Hoggo un bumo, do yooo hooo nana nana nuddo gobbla gobba.' It's kinda like that, only that there's also usually some fainting and convulsing as well. Do Mooselums do that too?"
KARZAI: "I, I, ah, well, no, no we don't have anything quite like that in Islam. "
PALIN: "Oh, how sad. It's a real rush. You have to come to one of our services. I bet we can get the Holy Spirit in you and you'll be'gobba gobbing' with the best of us right from day one."
KARZAI: "So, let me see if I understand. You don't make any executive decisions until one of your religious leaders tells you what God wants you to do?"
PALIN: "Exactly! Being American means being one of God's top-drawer humans -- except of course our homosexuals, feminists or liberals. God made me mayor, then He made me governor and now He's made me the next Vice President. We get all our guidance straight from God."
KARZAI: "But that's exactly what our fundamentalist Muslims claim too, that God tells them to kill anyone who is not a fundamentalist Muslim like them. How do we move towards any kind of peace if both sides believe God is telling them to kill the other side?"
PALIN: (Looking stern points to Karzai's cape) "Do you always dress like that? Like Liberachee and Michaell Jackson? Hey, you're not gay are you? Because if you are, my minister can cure that too."
(At this point Karzai's aide called an end to the meeting.)
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