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Obama: Well, energy first. Spend $15-billion a year over 10 years to go cold turkey on dino diesel. Then we gotta make sure kids can get those braces and measles shots. Then Education. John’s giving his money to the big corporations.
Brokaw: What sacrifices will you ask us to make?
McCain: Young virgins at the altar.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
McCain: Just kidding! I took on defense contractors. In fact, I took them out to lunch at the Hays Adams, more than once. But the good Senator from Illinois voted $3-million dollars for an overhead projector. And a mimeograph. And one o’ them slide reels with that bell that dings when it’s time to change the picture!
Obama: You wanna talk sacrifice? I damn sure won’t tell you to go shopping at Wal-Mart like Bush did after 9-11…mostly because they’re telling their managers to vote Republican or lose their jobs. I would ask young people to volunteer to help out America, like JFK did.
Brokaw: Wall Street, the federal government, and consumers got drunk. How you gonna sober ‘em up?
Obama: Well, the first thing to do is wake up the next morning and drink a Bloody Mary with a raw egg in it—you know, a little hair o’ the dog that bitcha? But to fix a hangover, you need to use a scalpel, not a hatchet.
McCain: Well his solution is like trying to chug Jello Shots with a Rusty Nail! The last President to recommend the Hair Of The Dog was Herbert Hoover—actually I think he was in favor of Prohibition, come to think of it. And he was a Republican and he helped lead us out of the Great Depression. I think. I don’t favor tax cuts for the wealthy. I just want to leave the tax cuts for the wealthy that we already have alone. Let’s not raise anybody’s taxes. Especially mine or Cindy’s. We have enough trouble making nine mortgages as it is.
Brokaw: How about Social Security?
Obama: Have you tried EHarmony.com? They’re pretty good. You’ll never be alone on a Saturday night ever again.
McCain: EHominy dot Whosis? You know, I’m a maverick. I don’t always vote with my corporate masters, unlike Mr. Obama. I'm not too popular sometimes with my own party, much less the Jackass Party. In fact, nobody really likes me very much, except that Yukon babe and that’s just ‘cause I gave her a room with a view of that plexiglass ceiling.
INGRID JACKSON: What about the environment?
McCain: I disagreed with my President about global warming.
Obama: (sneering) And you disagree with your Vice President too! She thinks global warming is just another sign that the Rapture is right around the corner. We can create 5-million new jobs making alternative energy. Senator McCain voted against alternative fuels 23 times.
McCain: Well, I was on Navy ships that had nuclear power plants, big ol’ gigantic cooling towers like Three Mile Island, just off the coast of Saigon. And I fought pork too. Except in that big Bailout Bill last week. Look here, more drilling means more oil and that means Joe Six-Tank is paying less at the pump.
