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Ayn Rand Revises the Sermon on the Mount

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32 but I say onto you, whosoever shall end a life of fornication out of some misguided notion of honoring his vows, such displays of morality are reserved only for the unwashed mass of useless eaters and thus deserveth neither his wealth nor she who married him for it.

33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them   of the old times thou shalt not betray your class, but shall collude with and defend   it,

34 but I say onto you, you stand before Ayn Rand's mystical throne,

35 and you must contort at her feet and wash her toes with your tongue, for she is the greatest of goddesses.

36 She shalt f*ck thy head so fiercely that ye whose hair be black shall be rubbed white and ye with white hair shall be rubbed bald.

37 But let your mutual drive toward orgasm cause only "Yea, yea, yeas" and   no "Nay, nay, nays when f*cking the goddess, lest she withdraw all the blessings she gave you.

38 Ye have heard that it hath been said an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,

39 but I say unto you that it be both eyes for one eye and 32 teeth for a tooth. And whosoever smite thee on thy right cheek, shoot him dead and declare self-defense under Stand Your Ground.

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40 And if any man will sue thee in defiance of   Stand Your Ground, counter sue him for everything he owns.

41 And whosoever shall compel thee to walk even one city block, have your chauffer drive your limo over him thrice.

42 Give to him that asketh thee and   require from him that would borrow of thee sufficient usury as to make it impossible for him to repay in less than 30 years, if ever.

43 Ye have heard   that it hath been said thou shalt love thy neighbor and   hate thine enemy,

44 but I say onto you, plunder and destroy thine enemies, sue them that curse you, hate and slander them   that hate you and defraud into poverty them which attempt to use you and bribe them that seek to prosecute you--

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45 that you may be richer than your father who may or may not be in Heaven, for you inherited much to be made into much more and   pissed respectfully on his grave for his having held up your inheritance by living too damn   long.

46 For if you love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the "publicans love money before anything or anyone else?

47 Salute your brethren only, but only those more wealthy than you until you see your chance to add their wealth to yours. Do not even the "publicans so?

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Retired, Robert Arend was president of an AFSCME local from 1997-2007.

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