"That's the spirit," said the Aide. Here's even better news. The American With the Constant Smirk is also the most praised American."
"Do you take me for a fool!?" thundered bin Laden. "I can read and analyze statistics better than that Fool of a Mixed Malaprop. Only 13 percent of Americans say he's the Biggest Hero of 2006. That's only half of all who say he's the Biggest Villain."
"That shows you how foolish those Americans are," said the Aide. "He creates a war-and that is good-but he stays behind the battle, like he always has done, and while his troops are sweating and dying, while they're eating condensed sand, he's in an air-conditioned villa in Texas and eating barbequed mourning doves, which he just killed."
"He's even better than me at killing birds of peace," said a lugubrious bin Laden.
"Mighty one, you have shown your power to spare the smallest of sparrows, as Allah has so ordered, while launching a jihad against the heretics."
"That is true. And I should not forget that those foolish Americans not only made their workers, the soldiers of the desert, only the Number 2 Heroes, they . placed Oprah as the third Biggest Hero!"
"That's the spirit, oh Wise and Noble Warrior. The Americans are nothing if not shallow."
Bin Laden again looked at his Aide, a smile emerging. "Bush may have helped make the world safe for terrorism, but in two years, he will no longer be President, and I will again regain the honor of being the Worst Villain. Prepare for my coronation."
Walter Brasch is an award-winning journalist and university professor. His current books are America's Unpatriotic Acts: The Federal Government's Violation of Constitutional and Civil Rights, and 'Unacceptable': The Federal response to Hurricane Katrina, both available at amazon.com, borders.com and most major on-line bookstores.
