Mourning the Death of a True Flip-Flopper

For as long as Baby Boomers live, and we do plan to live forever, George Bush has destroyed our faith that this country can have anything remotely resembling presidential leadership. And those hide-in-the-safe-middle congressional Democrats have reinforced the central lesson of the Bush Administration: government is not our government. And we know that any country which attempts to survive on a steady diet of insanity and cowardice can't last long. If Pennsylvania Avenue continues to lead our stunned, whacked out country, then I suggest you get ready to bail out fast. My choice is Bolivia. The locals get political every few years and hang the president from a lamp post.

Since mob lynching has a bad reputation in this country, I have concluded the best America can do is elect a president that does nothing, except drool for the latest public opinion polls. Not a pretty photo-op, but this just might enable us to avoid the national train wreck just around this election bend. When the American Dream died, so went American idealism - it's time to grab reality, before this country completely slips away.

What we need in the White House is a genuine weak-knee, flip-flopping jellyfish. A president who each morning, over orange juice and boiled eggs, reads every opinion poll to learn what he believes for that day. A president who waffles and back-stabs and "I can not recall" every principle and position that he was totally committed to yesterday. That is the type of leadership we need. In their heart, us Baby Boomers know this.

There is a weak link in this plan, however. Will Americans actually take a stand on something? Notice, most of their battered stocks are now roughly equal in value to the soiled newspapers lining puppies cages in pet shops, and the public is only now waking up. But there is another problem. If the public does take a stand on something, and in a reasonable amount of time, will it be the correct stand? The record is not encouraging. There is a potential solution, for both the problem of taking a stand and taking a correct stand. What? For the media to begin being a media.

Elections are for choosing a set of values and a list of policies, but more important, for choosing a candidate who will actually listen to the public. Will the winner of this campaign for the White House stay tuned to the voice of Americans? But what is their voice? The tuner of their voice is our media. Good information and accurate reporting, with context and history -- not delivered by screaming heads or boring wind-bags but by straight, intelligent, fair messengers - will allow Americans to have their voice. We certainly can't rely on another dimwitted, moral midget whose only presidential leadership should be in rearranging the furniture in the upstairs of the White House.

If you have any faith in Americans, rather than in Republicans and Democrats, you must embrace the growing (well, sort of growing) movement for this election to be won by an all-American flip-flopper, the candidate who has demonstrated convincingly that they don't harbor a single moral principle and are blessed with zero mental aptitude.

As Mitt wraps up his campaign stump speech that has morphed into I'm finking out speech for the good of America, I realize this is a horrible day in America. A black mark day for America, like when Pearl Harbor was turned into rubble, like when John F. Kennedy's brain was too. The day Mitt Romney, the best flip-flopper in American political history, dropped out of the presidential race. A man truely gifted in twisting words, doing cartwheels over burning issues, tumbling over his own positions. Now look at our miserable choices:

On the Republican side is a candidate obsessed with winning the Vietnam War in Iraq. Here comes the napalm! Another real winner for the Elephant party is babbling on and on about how he will make the U.S. Constitution conform to God's word. If this pair doesn't scare the crap out of you, no one can scare you. On the Democrat side is a candidate whose eyes become moist as she talks about her love for America, while planning to sell your job to some neo-slave overseas, or possibly right here. If she wins, we'll all be doing non-profit volunteer work. The other candidate hasn't been in Washington long enough to find a men's room - wait a second! I need to think about this one.

Barak Obama has not been tortured into obsession for war. Nor is he hallucinating some warped vision of religion that demands America become the world's latest fundamentalist state. Nor is he wearing a liberal pants suit to sell your job to some 21th century worker eating roots and leaves for dinner. And best of all, Obama can't find the bathroom. With his ears feeling the pressure, with the Potomac River pressing hard, the man will be too busy to screw everything up. Is it possible that Barak Obama is the candidate to lead us through this minefield election?

As I pull out of the parking lot passing old women weeping and old warriors screaming to nuke the yellow-belly rich boy, I feel a surge overcoming me. Yes, I am again pumped for the masochistic trail! For 1 month, 14 days, 4 hours, and approximately 35 minutes I crisscrossed 16 thousand miles of this confused and demoralized country delivering the truth about Mitt Romney. Evidently my truth wasn't enough -- the man was pulverized on Super Tuesday. But I'm beginning to see a new savior rising. Not Christian, although he is Christian. Not Black, although he is Black. Not White, although he is White. No, this man has potential.

The campaign trail is brutal, and to be honest, more than once I stumbled. Like in Des Monies when I went ice flying off the second floor porch. On the good side, after that brutal crash landing, I began considering Mitt a serious candidate. And the night I missed Mitt's Michigan election celebration in a Detroit suburb because I had turned catatonic a sleazy dive bar just this side of a nervous breakdown. And when my meds mysteriously evaporated and my hair started falling out every time Mitt turned a verbal trick on the campaign trail. I was bald in two days. Life is weird and hard on the campaign trail. But it was Mitt's dropping out that really broke me. Just an hour ago I was balling and calling him a miserable quitter. Now I'm all fired again -- re-energized for the masochistic trail!

Sure I will miss my man Mitt as I crisscross the confused and demoralized, a man who made words disappear and reappear as a new rabbit. A true American magician! And his ethics which are bent and twisted more than a Philadelphia pretzel. But stay tuned, this campaign is not over yet. And neither is our county. We might have a new candidate who will save us. He may not be the King of Flip-Flop, but any man who can't find the men's room won't have much time for presidential leadership. And that just might save us.