I just recalled a very strange and colorfuldream that I had a few nights ago. At the time, it made no sense to me at all. There was a break-out at the local zoo and all the animals ended up in my back yard – lions, kangaroos, jaguars, and lots of horses. I looked out the window and all of a sudden, there they were. It was very disconcerting. A kangaroo threw himself against the front door (in the dream, it was flimsy, warped and soon to give way), trying to get in. He was using his powerful hind legs like a battering ram. I instinctively threw myself against the other side and it somehow held firm, at least for the time being. If this were not enough, our entire neighborhood had flooded. Neighbors were pulling their car onto our lawn in order to get out to the street and safety. Wild animals, floods – it was like the ten plagues, writ small.
When I awoke, I wondered where this all came from. My subconscious seemed to be working overtime. Now, as I write this piece, it occurs to me that this has to do with my feelings after a long and emotionally draining week. My world was coming apart at the seams. The laws of nature were temporarily suspended, with everything up for grabs. It was a lot to deal with and I remember feeling exhausted, knowing I needed to brace myself for the next onslaught. Could I hold up, and hold out? Mercifully, I woke up. But that scary feeling has stayed with me. In the dream, I feltvery alone. I dealt with the animals and the deluge all by myself. I was still standing, but it was definitely touch and go. Alone, we’re forced to rely solely on our own resources. If we stand together, we have more of a chance – whether our goal is to simply survive or to unite to bring about change. The world is a scary place these days. Together, we can keep the fire going and the animals at bay.
Joan Brunwasser is a co-founder of Citizens for Election Reform (CER) which exists for the sole purpose of raising the public awareness of the critical need for election reform. We aim to restore fair, accurate, transparent, secure elections where votes are cast in private and counted in public. Electronic (computerized) voting systems are simply antithetical to democratic principles.
CER set up a lending library to achieve the widespread distribution of the DVD Invisible Ballots: A temptation for electronic vote fraud. Within eighteen months, the project had distributed over 3200 copies across the country and beyond. CER now concentrates on group showings, OpEd pieces, articles, reviews, interviews, discussion sessions, networking, conferences, anything that promotes awareness of this critical problem. Joan has been Election Integrity Editor for OpEdNews since December, 2005.
Outrageous! I just had this conversation about root canals yesterday while I was a short time inpatient at Cedars Sinai getting some tests done. Joan... this piece is great. It's really a magazine piece. A woman's magazine. I wonder if you can get it published in a print mag after you've published online? I've done it but it's been my friend's magazine and also with a couple others where the understanding was that I was publishing the piece in both venues. But the understanding was upfront before it published anywhere else.
Great
LM
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 5:49:35 PM
Thanks for the shot-in-the-arm re the unpredictability of life. It is a theme in things I'm reading the last few days, reminders to let go because we don't control the situations around us like we think we do.
I'm such a worrier -- I even take a supplement called "No Worries" that does soothe anxiety -- now I'm worried that since I've been reading so much stuff about letting go and accepting, something BIG is going to happen! Arrrgggghhhh!!!
So, I'll just remind myself to breathe and enjoy these quiet moments before the inevitable...
Thanks for sending your musings to me.
KG
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 5:59:55 PM
Of course you could look at that dream as a way of showing that even when EVERYTHING goes wrong, you have the stamina to keep the charging Kangaroo from getting through the front door!!!! You could see the gift of quick thinking and hope that your subconscious mind wanted to share with you. You could choose to realize that you are very capable! And that’s why so many people look to you……………
You could choose to believe that the 3 or 4 mishaps you mentioned (buildings breaking off, planes running into cars on frozen roadways) are so unlikely that they make headline news. You could choose to realize that nearly every single second of every single day of every week, month and year goes EXACTLY as it should for you!
And you could choose to want to live so your kids can see your joys and accomplishments….instead of learn from your quite rare mistakes!
I truly loved the personal touch on this piece!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I also truly hope that you can choose to look at life a little more positively…….you have so much! Family, friends, heat, air, community, health………………so many more positives in each day than negatives…….I’m curious about why the negatives get so much more of your attention?
KH
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 6:02:12 PM
Dearest Joan: This piece may be overly long...you might like to edit out parts not dealing directly with Bonnie's death, your root canal and the interesting dream that you had. Punch it up a bit if you can. REmember your swimming piece? (Hope I haven't hurt your feelings but you said you wanted constructive criticism).
Your pal - another suffering writer,
p
PS: I just went to edit your piece and I found your email truncated. But I think you can get the gist on what I am saying. I suggest that you edit out a great part (maybe put into a different piece) and pick up with driving past Bonnie's house.
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 6:17:04 PM
Absolutely wonderful. I couldn't stop reading, and really "getting" what you are talking about. Thank you for being so willing to share, and for reminding us, that life is not a rehearsal. No, it's not. Good on you, Joan! Onward, with zest... SM
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 7:00:55 PM
which seems to me the most miserable place on Earth ( although I am wrong, sure) and I do feel vulnerable. Actually, I felt vulnerable through all my years in here, 19 years in all. This sense of vulnerability is especially strong when I leave the family, go for training or seminars in unknown places. It just seems surreal.
We lose our feelings. Food loses taste. And then we start to appreciate the losing -that' the last stage.
Love your essay
Mark
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Mark Sashine (54 articles, 19 quicklinks, 250 diaries, 3597 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 9:44:58 PM
i especially appreciate your comment because all the responses up til now have been from women. i thought this might be too 'touchy-feely' for the male half of the population.
glad i struck a chord. i'm very interested in this isolation and vulnerability issue. it's like a poisonous gas that has pervaded our society, keeping us apart from our neighbors and limiting our effectiveness. it's not good in terms of building coalitions or grassroots movements. apathy only serves authoritarian purposes.
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Tuesday, October 16, 2007 at 10:27:40 PM
Allo Ms Brunwasser--Read it. You are an engaging writer, and a delightful thinker. I didn't once reach for my virtual pencil and I am a longtime editor--a good one. Thanks for letting me read this.
AM
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 6:31:50 AM
I like it. The core of it has the quality that Michael Ventura achieves at his best. I love Michael Ventura's writing. Sometimes he wanders a bit though, as I think you do a little in this piece. It could be tightened and focused more. But I like it -- a lot. DW
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 6:33:31 AM
i'm not familliar with michael ventura but appreciate the comparison since you love his writing.
i also was afraid this was a little run-on but my pruning daughter/editor said 'run with it'. i've had a few comments like yours (and i'm sure many other readers who would agree but be reluctant to write me that) and others saying that it was just right.
also, i feared that men wouldn't get into it either, too touchy feely.
in any case, thanks for your input.
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 6:36:57 AM
It's as if you were reading my mind! I've felt many of the same feelings you've expressed here, particularly in the last year or so. Many days I've closed myself off from the outside world in an effort to "see some kind of light" that would lead me to a solution, an idea or an action that I could take to lessen this feeling of sadness and helplessness in the face of so much, for lack of a better word, "evil" that seems to have overtaken so much of what's going on around us.
I think many women will identify with your "musings" and they will touch a nerve, as they have with me. I'm not so certain how men would react to these thoughts and emotions, as I'm afraid they would have difficulty allowing themselves to go this deep within themselves. How sad for them.
Lately, I keep vasillating between anger at "God, Buddha, Mohammed, the higher power" and complete acceptance. As Gandhi wrote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." It carries more meaning to me now than it did when I first read it on a refrigerator magnet and gave it to my best friend, who is an election reform advocate too.
I liked what you wrote because it was honest, straightforward and courageous. I look for those qualities in a person, as they give me strength and hope for the world. Find another unique and special place in which to release this written piece and see what comes back. Little by little, by the responses you get, you will see where and how far these thoughts will fly.
Best regards,
KW
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 6:34:30 AM
I often write my "musings" in a personal tone and consider putting them in OpED News as diary entries and then I don't, but I sure wish to. (some are pretty personal in tone, though)
I've put this on digg in hopes that will get it more attention.
I think it deserves wide circulation, but I would not delete one single word from it. Try reading it aloud and you'll see just how every word is necessary to achieve the necessary brain balance in the import it is <b>made</b> to convey.
I have leaved with this feeling of disconnect since I got booted out of the US in 1994, these identical FEELINGS of hopelessness and helplessness and have to seek on a daily basis to overcome them. This is PTSD in a nutshell, described to a "tee".
Men have it, too, but are less prone to identify it, having been told to be macho about it all. While the US government SAYS only 50,000 of US vets are suffering PTSD, a look at VA Stats on addictions covering it up and the depression, it something closer to the range of 188,000 vets are suffering that they will ADMIT.
This is the sleeper disease that we must learn to cope with.
see here and here for a short video about what's been wrought on us all as we live in a land where our health doesn't count, but the 100-year or perpetual war is the major political agenda about the US political landscape. m.
I've done over 1600 blog posts in the past three years to help people identify it (diagnosis it), get a prognosis going and find a protocol to deal with it when it's on a social/political level having figured it all out.
Not a "pleasant" read, but one with which I totally identify. I hope you keep this up.
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ladybroadoak (38 articles, 20 quicklinks, 12 diaries, 391 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 12:41:57 PM
Joan dear: please don't be discouraged by my criticism. I realize that I forgot to say what is so good about the piece...your writing style is so intimate and vibrant. When I read your pieces I feel like I'm sitting with you over a cup of coffee. Your writing voice is something I need because I live an extremely private life. My only interest is my work - which I find consumes all my waking hours. (Slightly narrow eh? I have no husband and my children are of the four-legged furry kind. If you google me you will find that I have spent the last 25 or so years of my life plotting, planning and conspiring and ultimately working my head off for the cause of peace and justice and most lately against election injustice.)
So for a person like me - living inside my head as do you - your writings are like a refreshing visit with a good friend. Please don't stop writing. I look forward to the day when I see you name on a daily column or better yet on the spine of a good book.
P
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 1:56:02 PM
Joan, this was a gift to those of us who don't know how others cope with their lives. And when I was reading it, it occurred to me that I somehow knew you deeply. More so than people I have actually met and spend time with. :-) You are generous in giving us, all of us, your very central thoughts. So many people are protective of what they call their privacy. But there are no walls around you and I know you won't ever allow there to be.
AM
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 2:11:49 PM
This was a wonderful essay, filled with powerful images and reflections on the fragility (and illusion) of the control we think we have in our lives.
You might want to consider sending it out to some literary journals, maybe reworking parts of it for even some consumer magazines for next year (think Sukkot 2008).
Thanks for sharing these eloquently expressed thoughts and emotions that hover just under the surface of us all, but aren’t always so well-expressed.
LG
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 2:13:06 PM
I think this is wonderful. You are a very skilled writer, and, as is quite apparent in this essay, a thoughtful, caring person, with all the correct values. I am honored to know you and to be your friend.
RM
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 9:38:17 PM
I really liked that piece. You sure file-dumped (sorry for the computerese) your life onto Op-Ed. I am sorry events were so hard for you, especially the homicidal kangaroo. But dreams are intimately bound up with life, and raging animals reflect raging emotions. Next time you dream of animals employ rabbits and lambs (the non-carnivorous variety) in your visions...
Well, enough. Work calls. Your dumping doubtless stimulated mine. :)
MJ
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 3:37:52 PM
As always, I enjoyed reading your philosophical musings on life. You're a fine writer with much to say. I agree with you about the randomness of life and the need to live it to the fullest.
JV
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 6:36:49 PM
My God, a week from HELL that truly was! I AM glad you did not bounce any checks.
It made me think about my fears.
It made me remember the negative forces around me.
It reminded me that mercury is in retrograde until early November.
It reminded me I have to keep these things in perspective and the importance of the habit of envisioning positive changes around me and those I love.
I reminded me of how being an adult can be quite complicated and that it doesn't get any easier at times.
Oddly, It reminded me how much I want to go solar and how important it is to have a secure water source. Why? Because you cannot trust the establishment. Also, I think because as activists we ARE targeted. I have stories too. Call me paranoid
It reminded me how important my yoga and meditation is to help me control my fears and obsessions.
Maybe this will offer up some perspective for you and bad dreams.... The dream about the animals reminded me of something that really happened to me when I came home to Columbus from Cleveland as I did at least once a week to clean my house, pay bills and scoop catboxes for an inept ex-husband. This, while I went insane telecommuting to work and putting out daily fires for my very ill father in Cleveland who suffered from Alzheimer's.
I came home to Columbus, turned onto my street in a middle-class neighborhood where there is an ordinance against keeping farm animals. All I remember at that moment was how depressed I was, how despondent I was and how badly my life sucked. I was in serious self pity mode at this moment. When what before my eyes appeared a little pink pig earnestly humping a metal trash can that he had pushed into the street. There he was, doing the nasty with a trash can in the middle of the street.
It was the universe putting things in perspective for me. Immediately I stopped feeling sorry for myself and just sat in my car and LAUGHED.
Ohio reader
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 10:00:37 PM
loneliness & loss more and more part of human condition
I just read this, Joan. I relate to much of what you/ve written--and I imagine others do, too. I have two reactions/thoughts:
1) I was annoyed; I'd rather have a conversation about these topics than just read about them.
2) I attended a play-reading Tuesday night. The play is called "Royko," and it's primarily a reading of some of his columns. Most of them chosen for the play are either humorous or political, and the satire is biting and clever. There were two pieces that were not in that vein. One of those was about a lone man closing up the summer house on the lake where two people had lived and loved, and it spoke to me directly. In the Q&A session that followed, I discovered that everyone else focused in on that piece as well. Loneliness and loss are more and more a part of the human condition; you have captured them well.
RL
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Joan Brunwasser (164 articles, 3538 quicklinks, 3 diaries, 634 comments)
on Friday, October 19, 2007 at 6:18:06 AM
