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"The Flying Wi-Fi": Working Out the Bugs

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DICK CHENEY'S OFFICE

Cheney (talking into tape-recorder): Memo for my book project. Looks like I'm off the legal hook on the outing of Plame. Armitage fessed up that he was the one to leak to Novak. That loser doesn't even realize that we put the ball in motion with all our inquiries about Plame and Wilson, but if that Powell toady wants to take the hit, that's fine with me.

I'm still nervous about Fitzgerald, though. Many months ago, when zeroing in on Scooter, he said publicly that "multiple people in the White House" were involved in the Plame outing and covering it up. (Fitzgerald went on in his April 5 court filing: "Given that there is evidence that ... White House officials ... discussed Wilson's wife's employment with the press both prior to, and after, July 14, 2003, it is hard to conceive of what evidence there could be that would disprove the existence of White House efforts to 'punish' Wilson." Bastard!)

I'm hoping Fitz has pulled in his horns for good -- maybe he finally got the message that his career was going to go nowhere if he persisted in poking his nose inside the White House -- but he has never
officially closed down his probe. In my worst nightmares, I imagine him coming after me: After all, Karl and I orchestrated the rest of the White House Iraq Group to take Wilson down.

Oh well, we can handle it, assuming, of course, that Karl has the election in hand in November; he certainly should, since I and Rummy and Bushboy and others have been painting our Dem opponents into the
terrorist-supporting traitor corner. But If we lose the House, Fitz and the sharklike forces behind him may smell our blood in the water and decide to re-open the investigation.

So, first things first: Destroy the Dems for November, by whatever means necessary, in order to keep the House and Senate; then we can come back at our enemies with newfound strength. If worse comes to worst later, we "re-assign" Fitz and move in one of our guys to handle the situation. God, I love this job!

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THE OVAL OFFICE
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Bush: I tell you, Karl, you're gonna earn your money, OR NOT, as we reach November. I understand why you had me confirm that the CIA was indeed running secret interrogation camps abroad where we could extract confessions from those high-level al-Qaida prisoners: My announcement was so we could box in the Democrats and announce some high-publicity terrorist trials prior to the elections, especially since we can't produce Osama bin Laden, dead or alive.

But I'm taking a big hit on this one -- first you had me denying we tortured, and now I'm talking about all the valuable info we got from guys we sent to the secret CIA interrogation centers where we tortured them. I feel like an idiot! And it gets worse. Now with the Senate Intelligence Committee report virtually saying we lied big time to get
the country into Iraq, I'm radioactive out there. Goddamn it, our side controls that committee, and they issue that kind of damning report! Not even Pat Roberts could stop it. This is terrible!

No Republican running for re-election wants to be seen, or associated, with me. I raised lots of money for those ungrateful f*ckers, and now they're behaving like they don't even know me. I'm toxic, I tell you. People boo me, make fun of me on TV, demonstrate wherever I go. Was fun when it was happening to Bubba during Lewinsky, but it's just vicious now.

Rove: Yeah, we're gonna have to take some big lumps for the next few months. But remember that it's all done to keep the House. The more races we can pull out for Republicans -- and our demonizing the
Democrats as soft-on-terrorism may be starting to work -- the less I have to worry about those election-result numbers on Voting Day. That's
risky business, you know. Luckily, before the Dems were aware of our plans, we had Denny Hastert swear in Bilbray, even though his San Diego
victory numbers weren't officially certified in his home county. Might have been a bit outside the law, but one more vote for our side.

Bush: Your election strategy better pay off, Turdblossom, or it's the crapper for all of us.
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DONALD RUMSFELD'S OFFICE

Stephen Cambone: Well, the Dems' attempt at getting you fired fizzled badly.

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Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations, has taught at universities in California and Washington, worked for two decades as a writer-editor at the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently serves as co-editor of The Crisis Papers (more...)
 

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