Authority is calm, sure-footed, firm, confident and compassionate. If you are tentative, hesitant, punitive, or vacillating, you are giving mixed messages and can no longer be trusted to lead. Authority is leadership. Children naturally gravitate to leaders, to adults who seem to know what they're doing. Children want someone to guide them while at the same time allow them to make mistakes and learn. Authority says: Follow me. I know what I'm doing. Authority says: I understand what you need. Authority says: I will keep you safe.
Many parents quickly confuse authority with the harsh and angry dominance of their own childhoods. Authority speaks firmly, in a low-pitched voice, clearly, calmly. Yelling and making idle threats undermines a parent's authority more quickly than almost anything else. Authority can be quite kind and loving even when it corrects negative behavior.
One parent I know used to get into yelling matches and power struggles with her 5-year-old son in session. I didn't do it. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. She had been engaged on the level of a peer instead of as a parent. I said to her-You're the mommy. You are the most important authority in your child's life. Rest easy and be comfortable in that authority, knowing that you will do what your child needs you to do, whether or not your child understands or likes it at the moment.
Most parents do not know they have permission to be the boss and loving at the same time and are terribly relieved to hear it. So are most children.
Realism
In the course of working with dogs, I have become a hard and fast realist. Once, I thought all dogs were the same-happy, friendly, Lassie-loyal and adept. I wasn't even close. Dogs are as disparate and distinct as people and they come with learning styles and personalities just as complex. What we expect is more than often not what we get.
Ty-my second rescue-is a beautiful 80-pound Chow-Hound-Retriever mix (and God knows what else). His face is striking and very appealing to children. However, children do not appeal to him. They frighten him and he responds to their approach by barking and snarling in a most hostile manner. I therefore do not let children near him. Ever. Angie, on the other hand, is tolerant in the extreme. A baby could put his hand in Angie's mouth and she would roll over, gentle and forgiving.
When we set goals for our children, we need to take their unique natures into account. Who are our children apart from our own expectations, our own disappointments? What are their strengths and weaknesses? A child with a profound auditory processing disability will not respond to complex verbal requests and reminders. A child with a highly sensitive nature will only tolerate so much teasing or joking, even from a parent. If you want a sedate dog, don't get a Dalmatian or a terrier-they need to be working most of the time and if left alone for hours a day will release their energy on your sofa or the legs of your dining room table. A Rhodesian Ridgeback may be curbed from lunging at every squirrel while on lead, but his hunting instinct will never be eliminated. And it is good and proper that way. Bad training is never the dog's fault. It is ours for failing to account for the dog's nature-both the traits we want and the traits we don't.
When we say things like, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "What's the matter with you?" we are inadvertently shifting the focus from the behavior-where it should be-to the person. Steve Diller, a renown dog handler and author of the book, Dogs and Their People, wrote, "It is the incorrect behavior that needs fixing, not the dog." I'd add, "And not the child." If we make the child feel as if he or she is wrong, bad, insufficient, unworthy, we will have solved nothing, and, in fact, will have probably created a problem far more painful and persistent.
One child was brought to me for impulsivity and aggression in class. He was sullen and unhappy when I met him and called himself "bad" over and over during the interview. His parents were clearly disappointed in him. It turned out, however, that he had been getting picked on by the class bully and had been trying to stand up for himself. That quality in him-of not accepting abuse-was not a defect. It was a strength that needed to be channeled. When the parents reframed it that way and saw that it was indeed a character trait that they valued, they were able to distinguish more carefully between the boy and the behavior. He was not "bad" at all. Nor was his instinct to protect himself. All they had to do, then, was reinforce other, more positive options for him.
Consistency and Clarity
Decide on the behavior you want to see and be consistent. Be clear when you communicate your decisions. And if it's a two-parent household, make SURE the two of you are in solid agreement. There is nothing that undermines a child more than a division between the parents. Don't change your mind or allow them to get away with acting out or manipulating because it's easier or more convenient, or, worse, to get back at your spouse. Your consistency is the cornerstone of behavior modification.
When I worked in an elementary school, I saw children who acted out in the classroom. More often than not, the behavior was a carry-over from home. And, again, more often than not, limits were either not in place, unclear or inconsistently set. Many parents (especially with the demands of work) wanted to see me without their spouse being present. Except in rare cases, I would hold out to see both parents (or in some situations even include the grandparents or other relatives if they were living in the home). Some parents got irritated and considered the demand excessive. However, my experience has shown me that if the parents are not on the same page, it is a wasted effort.
Besides, it often gave me a much better understanding of the child's behavior. I remember one 10-year-old boy vividly. He was getting detention (which was held right outside my office) about twice a week for using foul language in the hall and being aggressive with other children. I called in his parents. It was easy to see where the behavior was coming from. When their presentation and relationship was transformed, so was their child's behavior.
Consistency is often the most difficult obstacle for parents. I explain from the very beginning that initiating a behavior contract can actually make things worse for a little while. There's a spike in negative behavior as if the children were pushing the limit to test us, to see if we really mean what we say. Then, with time and consistency, there's a plummeting drop-off and the negative behavior is eliminated. This learning curve differs in duration and intensity from child to child and family to family, but it is almost universal. One mother with a brilliant but angry young boy had her entire extended family in on the contract. They all participated, staying on track despite the little boy's initial resistance, and they saw a marked increase in good behavior with a concomitant decrease in his tantrums and aggression. Two months later I receive a call, "He's getting into fights." "Have you been using the contract?" "Well, no, I thought we could stop after a while." So, it was back to basics for them and eventually the acting out resolved. Behavior management with children is a way of life, not a one-time application. It is a way of communicating and relating over time.
Half the time, we don't actually tell children what we want from them. In fact, we think we're saying it over and over, but-as the old adage goes-if they ain't getting' it, we ain't deliverin'! Or we may be saying one thing with our words and a vastly different thing with our tone and body language.
J. Acosta is a writer and practicing clinical psychotherapist. She has written two books: THE WORST IS OVER (2002, Jodere) and THE NEXT OSAMA (2006). Her third is due to come out some time next year and she is currently in the middle of her fourth.
She has her practice in New Mexico with her canine therapeutic assistants. She has worked with anxiety and fear in patients for twenty years. She has watched it, felt it, wrote about it, and helped heal people from it. As a result, she has learned a few things about fear, particularly that growing epidemic she calls VIRAL FEAR.
The whole alpha thing is a myth and in many cases destructive to our relationships with dogs. Learn a more effective, collaborative and compassionate way of training at TTouch.com.
by
Honest Human (3 articles, 1 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 3 comments)
on Thursday, January 11, 2007 at 5:31:57 PM
Ok, you win......I went to the ttouch site, and might even read some of it. I must say though that I enjoyed this article and found it very reasonable, and common sensecle (that's my word)....anyway, I sent this article around the internet to the best of my ability, and would like to thank the author for sharing her insight. I love both dogs, and children.....like the author said, that's where the unconditional love resides.
by
schreibe (0 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 1 comments)
on Friday, January 12, 2007 at 5:26:31 AM
I am most happy to be called reasonable. As the first comment makes clear, this is a controversial topic (although one wonders why). I try to understand it and present it in a very understandable and livable way so neither people nor dogs have to pretend to be what they are not.
As far as there not being "alphas" -- let's define terms. "Dominance" does not have to mean brutality or meanness of spirit. In fact, a true authority is quite the opposite. And I can't imagine how anyone can deny that authority is either necessary or factual -- it is fairly self-evident in ALL social animals, humans included.
Is there a better way? I'm sure when God Himself cleans us up, there will be. But until then, we're stuck with this thing called "nature" and I expect we'll have to abide by her terms.
I've never seen a child not respond to benevolent authority. Never. Even in disabled, emotionally disturbed children authority that is kind and sincere is recognized and received. I've worked with children for nearly twenty years as a social worker and the most common mistake teachers and parents make is going to the extremes -- either they do equate authority with dominance and become harsh or they try to be "friends." There's nothing that will get you to lose control of a classroom quicker than either of those two positions.
I've also worked at a wolf sanctuary as a vounteer. If you don't believe there are alphas, spend some time watching them. It's not always pretty, but it's the way things seem to work, for better or ill.
Anyway, thank you both for your comments.
Jude Acosta
www.wordsaremedicine.com
author, The Next Osama (2006) and The Worst is Over (2002)
by
JAcosta (15 articles, 0 quicklinks, 0 diaries, 9 comments)
on Friday, January 12, 2007 at 7:34:46 AM
3 comments
How would you rate this?
You must be logged in (if signed up) to do ratings.
It's free to signup! And easy. And takes just a minute or two....
Must Read (
Well Said (
News (
Touching (
Funny (
Supported (
Interesting (
Inspiring (
Valuable (
