In 1982, California had one of its worst storms ever. Yet my devoted psychiatrist would come to TC1 every day to talk with me. Mostly to help develop my "risking" abilities and to invalidate my fears that were just magical thinking. I later learned the acronym for F.E.A.R. – False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.
One day after weeks of not allowing anyone to touch me I took a risk. After my daily session with my psychiatrist, I walked him back to the double doors of TC1.
He was going back into the world and I was continuing to stay in my isolated one. Instead of saying goodbye, he did something different that day. He put out his hand to shake mine. I guess he knew I was ready for that risk. I took the risk and shook his hand. To this day I remember that feeling. You see I had become "touch-starved". His hand felt warm and comforting. I held it for a moment and then felt his grip releasing. So I held on tight. I just didn't want to let go. I could have held that man's hand all day. Finally he smiled at me, knowing how hard that risk was. I finally let go, but moved on to many, many more risks that I continue to this day, over two and half decades later.
Now my risking revolves around opening up my world. Traveling, lecturing and my ultimate goal, to live one day, one moment at a time.
In the five and a half weeks I was in TC1 I learned many skills and risked facing many fears. It was now time for me to take these skills back out into the world. With continuing medication, therapy and support, I started a new journey in my recovery. Namely, allowing people, places and things back into my life.
Two solutions or concepts that helped me so much was the concept of "Futurizing" and "Feeling the feelings". From my experience I know that anxiety lives, if you will, in the future. That is to say, when I worry or obsess about the "what-ifs" in life, I become anxious. I call it "Futurizing". Whether it's worrying about your health, your job, your relationships, or your survival.
Just a little stress canspark these worries into a dramatic scenario about the future and the symptoms of OCD will increase. The solution lies in making a decision to change one's thinking about the future. For example, I always felt I had control over my future. It was all in my hands. I found out the hard way that the future is not under my control. I didn't plan for my breakdown in 1982. I didn't plan to meet my wife in 1999. I didn't even plan for the 7.1 earthquake in California in 1989, and I certainly didn't plan or have control over my OCD.
Coming from a liberal, reformed Jewish family, I was never very religious, but I do believe in a higher power. Call it, Source, God, Goddess, the Universe, my belief is that if some higher power is everywhere it's also in me. All the control I really have is in the present, in my thoughts, right now, moment by moment, minute by minute, day by day. I can choose to shift my negative thinking. I can choose peace over turmoil. I can work on all of these choices.
I know how difficult this is but believing you have that power even with OCD, is the first step. This step is outlined so beautifully in the book Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer. I highly recommend it.
Now it's important that you don't confuse "Futurizing" or trying to control the future with setting goals. I have lots of goals. Getting more national speaking engagements on OCD, making more films, and finishing a book I am writing. The key here is that I set these goals, but I let go of the outcomes. If I practice this philosophy daily, my anxiety settles down and I live today - not yesterday or tomorrow.
Remember anxiety lives in your worries about the future which you cannot control. A great paradoxical slogan to remember.
Let go of control and you'll get control.
Another solution that continues to help me is the process called "Feeling the feelings". You see, if I feel the fear and do nothing about it, the fear will eventually pass through you. Fear is energy, and all energy will dissipate if you show no resistance to it.
Some months ago I got a big wave of anxiety, almost panic. My mind shot into the future. I started to think of all the "what-ifs". Then I stopped myself and tried a technique my psychiatrist suggested. I laid down on my bed, slowed my breathing and focused my thoughts on the physical feelings of anxiety. If my mind started to obsess on something other than my body, I focused again.
For example, I focused on my heart beating fast, or my hands perspiring. I gave no meaning to the feelings, I simply felt them. Within minutes I calmed down.
I've learned that feelings are not to be judged, simply felt. If you need to judge something in life, place your judgment on actions, not feelings. Remember the slogan ‘Feel the feelings, don't judge them, let the anxiety pass through you'. I recommend you work this solution of "Feeling the feelings" first with your therapist. And remember, be patient. It is tough work at first, but becomes easier with practice.
