"I'm a heathen, sir" I snap back with agnostic New York accent. "And I like it. Good day!"
The men file out and into their cars, and on the left side of each bumper is a yellow and red sticker: "Huckabee for President."
South Carolina is the epicenter of the lobotomized. How do I know this? Nearly half of the population, more than any other state in our country, is evangelicals. I understand that I sound rather intolerant, but intolerance comes from fear. And I fear for my country. I fear theocracy is just around the corner. I fear another "God-fearing" president will send young Americans afraid of dying to another unnecessary, immoral war to die. I fear "the land of the free" will soon be the land of the slavery. I fear that all this is being led by the American South, by a religious movement separated from brain and morality, by a part of our country that is not really a part of our country, by people unable to understand the words of Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin -- that we need to stay out of other countries endless conflicts and we need to jealously guard our own freedoms at home. I fear these dangerous aliens living in America.
In South Carolina today is the Republican Primary. There are only three candidates. Forget Ron Paul, although now loaded with money he is hardly here. Forget Mitt Romney, the Yankee business executive did not wear well in the business of the Southern God. The three are John McCain, Mike Huckabee, and Fred Thompson. They are the American super-patriotic, supposedly, the Southern minister, and the Southern good old boy. They are the warped warrior and scary preacher and weird actor all dangerously united in the belief that America needs, as those eleven men in café said, "America needs to return to the ways of God."
But their God is not a good God, their God is angry, and even stupid. It's not surprising that the men in the café possessed that terrifying unholy combination of fire in their eyes and blowtorched minds. Certain they are right and God is their protector, they view America is a battleground where they must fight absolute evil which is quickly enveloping their country. An evil that is attempting to steal their kids, destroy their culture, an evil that at all costs must be crushed. This evil is, of course, you and me.
No, these fanatics are not satisfied with being "enlightened" by the words of God, they want to save America and cut your brain out and stomp every moral scruple gasping for a final breath. Yes, I fear them. And you should too!
So who will win today? I don't care. True I'm covering the campaign trail, or it's covering me (as Michael Herr once wrote about the Vietnam War). Iowa was certainly exciting. I still can't fully believe a Black man (well, half Black) won in a state that is 93 percent White! Is this the dawn of a new America? And New Hampshire was, as it is every four years, an outrageous, wild circus. The media was out of control, voters were intelligent and moral, outrageous demonstrations blanked Manchester. New Hampshire was American grassroots democracy at its best. Michigan was a blur. Not even sure I was there. Still, the older I get the more I appreciate these blurs. When the energy starts to dip, the brain kicks in. Thinking is good. Even when thinking is a blur.
Now it's the "First in the South," the South Carolina Primary. And I have lost my enthusiasm. Lost it somewhere in America. McCain's religious obsession is war, winning the Vietnam War in Iraq. Huckabee says we need to amend the Constitution to make it conform to God's words. Thompson -- well, the worse thing about Thompson is he might wake up. It's hard to get excited about lobotomies campaigning for the highest office in the land.
Yet, tonight I'm going to the Huckabee and Thompson South Carolina Primary Night blowouts. I'll be there armed with truth, but more important, I'll be carrying my own blowtorching intolerance. And I will love every one of these right-winger religious nuts just to make my whacked editor happy. I'll be there, reporting from the epicenter of disaster and fear, and enjoying it all.
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