Verbal First Aid in the Face of The Unspeakable

Finally, she erupted at him. "What is with you??!!" And she left.

He was stunned and hurt. He couldn't understand it until we discussed what it was that most human beings need when we are stricken by unreasonable grief and loss. What we need is someone to share it with. And he would not allow her to share it. He himself was so disturbed by her loss that he couldn't be present for her in any meaningful way. He couldn't stand her suffering so he had to make it go away, right away.

What Is Verbal First Aid

There are three components to Verbal First Aid.

1. The awareness that a person who is sick, in pain, or in a state of crisis is in fact in an altered state, what clinical professionals call "dissociation" and we call "the healing zone." It is in this state that a person is most receptive to what is being said to or around him. He is more suggestible and words, therefore, are more powerful.

2. The development of rapport forms the basis for all the work that comes next. Rapport is the understanding and trust between us and whoever we are trying to help. When we are in rapport with another person, we are saying, "I see you and I'm here to help you."

3. The delivery of therapeutic suggestion is the pay off of both one and two. When a person is in crisis and we have created a state of rapport, we are able to use words to facilitate healing more directly and effectively.

   When people are injured or sick, even if they are also very frightened, these steps have been shown to be a very reliable way to move them towards healing. A person who has lost a child is not just suffering from a cut, a broken bone or a disease. This is not to minimize any of those issues at all. When we're sick, it can feel like the end of the world. But what is needed is different.

   With grief and horror, what Verbal First Aid calls for is the power to see and hear, the strength of presence. One medic I know told me a story of a call she'd taken many years ago, one that still brings tears to her eyes. She'd arrived at the scene of a motor vehicle accident that involved two elderly people. Their car had been T-boned by a truck on the driver's side. The driver, the passenger's husband of 42 years, had been killed instantly. The passenger, his wife, had been extricated with minor injuries and was sitting near the ambulance having her vitals taken. My medic friend was new on the job and had been given the unenviable task of telling the woman that the man she had lived with for 42 years was gone.

   She remembered that her instincts took over. She sat with her and waited for her to ask, "Where's my husband?" And she took her hand and told her in simple language that they had done everything they could but they couldn't save him. And then as the woman wept, she held her. After a while, she looked up and asked her, "Was it fast?" The medic said, "Yes. He never knew what happened."

   Then the elderly woman asked, "But we were going to have our anniversary next week. Why?"

   And all she could do was say, "I don't know."

   ***

   There are things we can do to help a person find some comfort or hope, things we can say that can make inflammatory responses seem to disappear, wounds heal faster, and rapid hearts beat slower. And in those cases, Verbal First Aid can seem magical.

   But when the heart is broken or the person's world turned upside down, Verbal First Aid leads us to a higher place, where words take a back seat to spirit and the understanding that we all stand before Mystery at every moment.

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