"What!!" my husband said. "You are doing ME a favor when I spent some of my shaving time and work prep time to get YOU something you wanted??!! And then I come back and instead of being grateful you are mean to your sister!"
"Yes," I reminded my husband, who has been on the Restorative and NonViolent journey with me all these years. "I know you were being kind and patient by going to the store -- and I feel a lot of tenderness towards you for doing it. But -- in terms of addressing the issue, I did not have a lot of hope that it would work."
"Why not?" my son piped up, his mouth stuffed with Second Choice.
"Well, this is what the theory says -- and my lived experience shows. When we jump right to Action, skipping the phases of the process where we find out what each person is feeling and needing (not their wishes, but the needs underlying the conflict) we wind up with two people who feel slightly resentful and disconnected because they are focused on what they each gave up to make things work."
Thus, while our son was able to let go of the specific strategy he wanted that morning, the "underlying conflict" between us was not appeased or addressed through the compromise.
In a world where minutes seem to be a precious resource and conflict happens so frequently, it may seem counter-intuitive to take the time needed to engage in a restorative process in which dialogue is used to hear the needs of each party and the focus is on creative solutions that "expand the pie" (as Deepak Malhotra says in his brilliant Negotiating Genius text) rather than nibbling away at it.
Yet, the danger of compromise is that it leaves all parties feeling like their plates are half-empty rather than half full.
The trick, I believe, is to have faith (belief not always based on proof) that a little extra time in the front end (using a restorative process) will wind up saving a ton of time (and pain and disconnection) on the back end -- and create solutions that are more sustainable.
But don't take my word for it. Try it yourself. I don't want you to feel like you are compromising!
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