Yet, as John Powell, a Psychologist at the University of Illinois Counseling Center, states "The frequency of contact and volume of contact does not necessarily translate into the quality of contact." The observer of social behavior understands; most persons, young or old, do what is comfortable, even if that means stay a safe distance apart from the persons he or she most wants in their lives.
Thus on this Thanksgiving Day, it may be important to reflect on all the hours before and after. Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University Sociologist offers, "We know these close ties are what people depend on in bad times. "We're not saying people are completely isolated. They may have 600 friends on Facebook.com [a popular networking Web site] and e-mail 25 people a day, but they are not discussing matters that are personally important." Nor are these persons, when home, engaged in conversations that communicate much.
Possibly, parents and children can find more personal ways to establish and then retain a reciprocally reverent relationship. On this day of thanks, and the eve of Black Friday people may ponder; food, fun with those we barely know, and material finds are not golden.
Psychologist Madeline Levine, Author of The Price of Privilege" proclaims advantages are not always as they appear to be. Affluence does not breed brotherly alliances. Nor does money beget benevolence. Children do not connect to cash givers. Possessions may not leave a loved one proud. Moms and Dads cannot bequeath material goods and hope to receive emotional gifts in return. However . .
There are several thing parents can do: Families should eat dinner together [and truly talk] as much as possible, and kids should be involved in rituals -- at church, the synagogue, at Meals on Wheels or wherever.Parents need to impose consistent discipline, which will help kids develop self-control, which is vital.
Kids should never, ever, be paid for grades. Real learning is about effort and improvement, not performance. Your kid's C actually may be the far greater achievement than the A that comes easily.
And they should have chores. A lot of kids I see don't have to do anything except shine. And if you turn out kids who aren't expected to do anything but shine, you turn out narcissistic or self-centered kids. As one girl I see told me, "If I'm so special, why do I have to clear the table?"
Ah, the mundane deeds can be so divine. Everyday errands and exchanges can build character and give birth to a quality bond. On any date we can choose to be more open and honest in our interactions.
Thanksgiving Day and the holiday season are a good time to slow down, chat, and pay homage to the humanity that resides within your home. With relatives near or far, everyday deference would be even better. It is never too late to learn how to relate, to change habits, and to bring into being the tenderness that might not have existed in the early years. Expressions of gratitude and kindheartedness have no season, and need no reason. Thankful. Hopefully that is what each of us might feel. Beginning today, we can chose to consciously create togetherness from birth, in childhood, as adults, and always.
References and relationships . . .
Tension common in parent-child relationships. Live Science. MSNBC. May 7, 2009 Gene--Environment Interplay and the Origins of Individual Differences in Behavior, Frances A. Champagne and Rahia Mashoodh. Columbia University. Association for Psychological Science Volume 18--Number 3. Copyright 2009 More Parent-Child Quality Time? Thank Harvard, BV Catherine Rampell. The New York Times. August 26, 2009, 2:25 PM That Parent-Child Conversation Is Becoming Instant, and Online, John Schwartz. The New York Times. January 3, 2004
