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Don't confuse us with Untied Airways, the company that flies people in the air. We are UnitedHealth, the company that flies people into the ground. In your time of need we will be there to help desert you so that you can find peace and happiness in a world where your doctors, the hospital, and especially we here at United want nothing to do with you. You can count on us for that. We will be there.
With the advent of more and more choices and the possibility of a "public health option" it is more important than ever to realize that the best healthcare option is often the most expensive. That's us. We at United are dedicated to providing you with the most expensive care that money can buy----at the least cost to us. Our team will always be there to assist you in that endeavor.
Do not be fooled by a "public health option" or some sinister, Socialist concept like single payer universal healthcare. They may be free but they can't deny you the coverage that we can deny you.
And with a "public health option" you will have to select from any doctor in the nation, any hospital in the nation, and will be allowed to go out-of-State for your treatment. All those choices can be detrimental to your health.
Here at UnitedHealth we can be assured that your choices will be limited and that we will steer you to a limited number of doctors at a hospital in your neighborhood. At UnitedHealth we are family and we will never force you, and never let you, be treated by any doctor or hospital that is not part of our "family".
Getting back to your death, again, the United team will be there for you. Whether you choose a Mahogany Rich Casket, or a casket from our line of Cheerywood Elite Caskets, you can always count on us to bilk you and your family of any remaining funds you may have.
With a Premium Death and Funeral Policy that has a $12,000 deductible (which only costs $298 a month) you can be assured that you will have the privilege of paying the first $12,000, and that United will pay for everything over that amount.
Plus, at United you will always have "choices". You can choose our special embalming services if you want to look your best at your wake. We also have a full time cosmetologist, a hair stylist, and a fashion expert at all our funeral parlors. Your body will be well cared for and you can look your best and be in tip-top shape for the viewing by your loved ones.
We also have a Fitness Director to get your body in shape after our autopsy but before your big day at UnitedHealth Funeral Parlors. And if you want to be laid-out in a Yoga position, sitting up, ramrod straight, looking sharp, crisp and spiffy, we have a Certified Yoga Expert on call at all our funeral parlors (check your policy as the Yoga Option is not permitted in all States including CT, NV, NY, AL, SC, and FU).
If you choose to guarantee that you stay under the deductible so you can keep costs down you can also opt for the "budget option" and be thrown in your casket, stark naked without the "embalming option". Your friends, relatives and loved ones will be able to view your body in its "natural state" and we will provide adequate and appropriate foliage, flowers, leaves and twigs to discreetly cover that "certain part of the male body", or the female body for that matter.
For our female dead clients our hair stylist will work with you before you die in the hospital and determine whether you wish to display the Brazilian cut, the square cut, or the Telly Savalis look on your pubic area, on those special parts of your body. No detail is too small for United to care about.
Remember, if you are dead, the United team cares.
Our goal is to make sure your entire journey through life is healthy and cost free for us. If that is not possible then United will try to speed life along so that you don't lead an unhealthy, costly life, and that you don't linger for many decades trying to fight off the inevitable.
Remember, after your birth the next big event in your life will be your death.
When you think of death, think of UnitedHealth.
Call us when you get the bad news about your health. If you are already a policy holder we will be glad to get you into our appeals process or our litigation pool, or we might be able to help by dropping you as a policyholder entirely.
