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Life Arts

Should Santa arm his Elves?

By       Message Bob Patterson     Permalink
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Pop culture scholars tend to credit some pre-war (WWII for those of you who want to know which particular war is being referenced) magazine ads for a popular brand of soda pop for being the source of the Santa image as being the incarnation of the Christmas spirit.

Let's imagine that a privately owned item was secretly done on assignment several decades ago.   How valuable would a (hypothetical) Norman Rockwell painting be if it depicted an exhausted but happy Santa late on December 26 relaxing by cleaning some of the items in his gun collection?   ([Gun control advocates can never understand why one gun is never enough.]   The thought of being killed by an intruder whilst cleaning your weapon can only be assuaged by always having another loaded gun available when cleaning pistols or rifles.)

Yahoo highlighted the story about the one woman who took an item her father had brought back from WWII to a police gun buy back program and was advised to keep it.   It was a Sturmgewehr worth approximately $40,000 to discerning gun collectors.

If American pop culture could include Lenny Bruce's humor and Stan Freberg's sarcastic criticism regarding the capitalistic aspect of Christmas, then surely it must be ready, willing, and eager to add something new to the gun control debate.

Speaking of Stan Freberg, in Berkeley CA, Carol Denney led some local carolers in a singing protest against the continuing efforts by advocates of a sit-lie law in "bear country."   Recently the citizens of Berkeley voted against a sit-lie ordinance, but the friends of the homeless expect a renewed attack on the poor sometime in the future.

Blame it on the Kellys?   Speaking of Australia, there is a sidewalk plaque in (if memory serves) the Kings Cross Section of Sydney (NSW), that offers up the idea that space is a mark of wealth.   Some wealthy playboys might own several houses but a poor (but honest?) working man might have to crowd his entire family into a one room apartment close to his work place.   (Have you read Upton Sinclair's "Jungle"?)

The concept of a poor but honest working man trying very hard to cram a happy holiday into a tight living space might be useful at a time when news stories about exceedingly small apartments are getting good play.   (Didn't Dave Ross [or was it Charles Osgood?] feature that very topic on one of his recent radio reports?)   Examples of conspicuous consumption can not be shoehorned into a micro apartment.   Suppose that a fellow with a tiny apartment wins a giant screen TV.   It would be incompatible with his life style and cause an existential crisis.

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Have you noticed how none (that we could find) of the high priced journalists have explained how the shooter's mother could afford such a fine big home nor have they mentioned her place of employment.   We can't imagine that the managing editors we have dealt with in the past would let such a gaping hole in the narritive slide, but this is the era of Murdock style news.   Did she inherit some of movie star Mario Lanza's money?  

What if (hypothetically speaking) a fellow were temporarily operating out of a hostel in Paris or Perth and there was no room in the suitcase for any additional material possessions?   What if such a person had a truly enjoyable Christmas without getting or giving anything physical?   What kind of craziness is it to think that good conversations with new friends, delicious food, and a trip to Cottesloe Beach makes for a wonderful holiday?  

Wouldn't that tend to validate the Apache philosophy that if you can't take it with you on your pony when you move on, then you don't need it and thereby invalidate the American compulsion to buy, buy, buy right up to the time when Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve begins?

What if some emotionally unstable person where to think that God gave him the assignment to assassinate Santa Claus and his helpers?   Shouldn't Santa arm the Elves and require them to have firearms training just in case?

The Republican philosophy about the true meaning of Christmas may best be epitomized in a quote that is often attributed to Collis P. Huntington:   " Whatever is Not Nailed Down is Mine and Whatever I Can Pry Loose is Not Nailed Down."

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The World's Laziest Journalist disk jockey agrees that poverty sucks and is assessing the possibility of composing a song that becomes a perennial holiday standard because that, he assures us, means a large royalties check every January.   Do we need to provide readers with a long list of examples?

Now the disk jockey will play the song "Santa's in a wheelchair" by the Kids from Widney (not a typo) High, John Prine's "Christmas in Prison" (there are several songs titled "Christmas in Jail") and Stan Freberg's "Green Christmas."   We have to go see if the world has ended and we just didn't notice.   Have a "no chains can hold me" type week.

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BP graduated from college in the mid sixties (at the bottom of the class?) He told his draft board that Vietnam could be won without his participation. He is still appologizing for that mistake. He received his fist photo lesson from a future (more...)

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