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President Palin's First Ten Days in Office

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Day Six: Palin decides to leave the rest of her cabinet appointments to her husband Todd because she's too busy trying to locate the fifth commandment in the Constitution. Todd begrudgingly takes time off from shooting random animals with an Uzi and merges the remaining cabinet departments into one cabinet department called The Department of Everything Else.

Secretary of State O'Donnell cancels a trip to Germany because she misplaces her broom and refuses to use a mop. "That's okay," she tells the press. "I don't really like to travel anyway and Asia is so far away."

Tweet: J. Mcain wnts job in cbnet. Yeh rite! Duchbg.

Day Seven : Palin meets with the Prime Minister of India and, in his honor, wears a Cherokee headdress and tries to engage him in a conversation about Geronimo. 

Later that day, Palin invites the President of Antarctica to lunch, but no one replies. Outraged, Palin breaks off diplomatic relations with Antarctica and instructs the Secretary of Writing Coherent English to "send the president of Antarctica a nasty letter."

Tweet: Cant wait 4 halween. wil make cbnt wear cstumes. LOL

Day Eight : After a lunch of moose liver pate and reindeer a l'orange, Palin signs two bills, passed by Congress. One of them mandates the placement of a nuclear power plant on Mt. St. Helens; the other orders that chicken a la king be taken off the Congressional Dining Room menu because, as Eric Cantor puts it, "we live in a democracy, plus it'll reduce the deficit."

In the evening, President Palin listens to an audio version of a report by her newly appointed "Secret Commission on Stuff a President Should Know," and is surprised to learn that there are three branches of government. "What the heck does POTUS mean?" she asks the head of the commission. "Is it Latin for marijuana or something?"

Tweet: Crisis smwhre. Borng day. Zzzz.

Day Nine : Palin meets with pro-life activists and tells them that, in her opinion, life begins in the scrotum (except for Obama whose life began in Kenya) and that vasectomologies should be a federal crime.

At 11:00 o'clock, Palin fires the Joint Chiefs of Staff because, as press secretary Glenn Beck tells the press, she "doesn't want any pot-smoking Indians in the White House, you betcha."

Later that day, she cancels a press conference because, as Beck tells reporters, "she's having a bad hair day," plus "they ask a lot of questions and, golly gee, I can't fit all those answers on my hands."

Tweet: Joe has plumbrs crck. Idea 4 perfum. Eau de Joe. LOL

Day Ten: Palin resigns as President because, as she declares, "it takes up too much time, it's not as much fun as I thought it would be, the rooms smell musty and it doesn't pay as well as reality shows." Vice-President Bachmann is sworn in, and tells the country to join her in a prayer asking that God grant Palin the trophy on "Dancing with the Stars."

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 

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