Tuesday, August 31:
"Today, I am announcing that combat operations have ceased in Iraq. There will be no more combat. Combat is over. Done. Finished."
Wednesday, September 1:
"I am here today to declare an end to global warming. Don't ask me how I did it. And there's no reason to look at thermometers or the polar ice caps anymore, because I just told you everything's great. Just send me another Nobel Peace Prize."
Thursday, September 2:
"Today I am announcing there is no more unemployment in America. Everyone else just got a big raise and fantastic health coverage. And all 37 million outsourced jobs are back. (Don't ask your bosses about the raise tomorrow, they'll just be embarrassed.)"
Friday, September 3:
"Today I am announcing that mosquitoes and all insects smaller than a centimeter will heretofore go away and stop biting hard working Americans."
Saturday, September 4:
"After today's victory over UConn, the Michigan Wolverines will cease playing effective football for the rest of the college season."
Sunday, September 5:
"From this day forward, I hereby declare an end to Formica and all other prefabricated counter toppings. Not for me to judge, but: Nobel Peace Prize?"
Monday, September 6:
"As your President, I hereby declare an end to Delaware."
Tuesday, September 7:
"Democratic Party combat operations have ended. Actually, they never started. We've refused to stand up to the Republicans for the past 20 months -- uh, sorry, make that 20 years -- I mean 30 years -- and we see no reason to start now. Republicans will organize a government after November and I'm just hoping they'll give me a few months to pack before they impeach me for being a Muslim atheist."
Wednesday, September 8:
"Today I am declaring an end to the slogans 'Yes We Can!,' 'Change We Can Believe In,' and 'Hope.' The truth is this: No we can't, there's not much change you can believe in, and my only hope is to find a way to turn the clock back to January of 2009 so I can start over and fight like the champ the American people thought they were electing. That is all. I will have no further proclamations."
(Click here for Monday's blog)
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