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Life Arts

Obituaries of Note

By       Message Leni Matlin     Permalink
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Ms. Crystal Starlight became nationally known for her exploits at the legendary rock concert. As a graduate student, she took part in the first (and last) academic study of LSD with Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert at Harvard. At Woodstock Crystal freely dispensed Sandoz pure liquid LSD and was available at all times for anyone on a bummer trip. 

In the iconic Life magazine photo of the crowd taken from the stage, Ms. Starlight is the thirty-ninth female with her top off from the left, or fifty-third from the right. She was known to be an easy lay. Ms. Starlight died of boredom.

Ayatollah Mustafa O'Reilly: 33

Controversial Irish-Iranian Cleric

Mr. Mustafa O'Reilly, of Irish and Iranian parentage, founded his own unique Islamic sect in which he espoused a radical "heaven on earth" doctrine proclaiming it was not necessary to wait for death to enjoy alcohol and forty virgins. After an initial explosion of converts, however, his movement faltered when it became impossible to find any more virgins. He was subsequently deported from Iran to Ireland but as he had previously renounced his Irish citizenship and eaten his passport, Irish immigration officials disallowed his entry and booked him on the next flight back to Tehran. After being denied entry in Iran, he was summarily put on a flight to Dublin where he was once again refused entry and sent back to Iran.

After three years of shuttling back and forth, Mustafa, who was well liked by all and on a first name basis with the immigration and security officers at both ends, became so well known by the flight crews he was permitted in the cockpit, and being a quick study learned how to fly the plane, enabling appreciative pilots leisure time in which to get to know the flight attendants better.

Mustafa managed to earn enough in tips doing standup comedy bits from the Bible and the Koran to cover his basic needs and was due to take his Pilot's License Exam when he missed a flight. Irish authorities refused to pay for a second ticket so he lived in the Dublin terminal on airport food for six months which led to his premature demise from malnutrition. Steven Spielberg is writing Mustafa's life story as a screenplay entitled Terminus.  

Harvey Sidney Porter: 68

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In 1982, Mr. Harvey S. Porter patented a carburetor of revolutionary design which could deliver 300 miles from a gallon of gasoline and sold the rights to General Motors for $2.9 million plus residuals. However, for undisclosed reasons the check bounced and GM never produced Porter's device.

After decades of unsuccessful attempts to sue General Motors for breach of contract, Mr. Porter decided to forgo his patent rights and announced he would officially release the plans of his invention into the public domain at a press conference to be held later in the week. The unfortunate timing of his demise pre-empted the event and a thorough search of his home and workshop failed to yield any material related to his advanced carburetor design.

It is being presumed by the country coroner that Mr. Porter most likely died of accidental carbon monoxide poisoning since a bureaucratic snafu mistakenly sent his remains for cremation before a full autopsy could be performed.  

Maximillian: 7 (Dog Years)

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Unsung Canine War Hero Finally Honored

In a case of valor and its due recognition delayed, recently declassified documents have disclosed a heretofore unknown MI6 program that made extensive use of canine agents during the Second World War. In what was termed "Operation Hairball," Maximillian, a German shepherd, at great personal risk was able to penetrate the Nazi High Command by first disposing of a trusted Nazi dog to whom he had a near perfect resemblance and then successfully impersonating him.

In his double agent role, Maximillian delivered a crucially misleading missive that Normandy was a feint and the real allied assault would come at Calais. Having previously established his credibility by delivering verifiable intelligence to the Nazi Inner Circle sent by none other than Winston Churchill himself - with untold numbers of British troops sacrificed to perpetuate the ruse - Maximillian was able to persuade Hitler to hold his main forces in Calais in check, thus enabling allied troops a window in which they successfully established a beachhead which ultimately led to victory in Europe.

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Leni Matlin was born in NYC and attended Brooklyn College before moving to California in his twenties. For the better part of his adult life, he has worked as a musician (keyboards / vocals) and played in more bands then he can remember, while (more...)

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