Now when it comes to love and romance, William Shakespeare knew a thing or two when it came to Valentine time. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate…“.
You see, back in the olden days, that’s all it took. A little poetry and not much else probably kept Bill Shakespeare’s girlfriends happy for the whole friggin’ year! But in our material world, poetry alone wouldn’t cut it because, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways” has devolved into, how do I love thee, let me count my money.
As for poetry, the only poem I know from beginning to end is “Jack and Jill went up the hill…” and I can guarantee you my wife doesn’t want to hear that while we’re making out.
Now, let’s look at the historical facts of romance. Seriously men, the last thing you really want is to be known as a romantic. Really, think of all the most famous romantics and what Valentines did for them.
Remember Romeo and Juliet?
Romeo, the guy who practically invented romance got so messed up on love, he ended up killing himself.
And what about Lancelot of Lancelot and Guinevere? Dead.
Tristan of Tristan and Isolde? Dead.
Paris of Paris and Helen of Troy? Dead.
Samson of Samson and Delilah? Bald and dead!
And finally, what about Pepe?
No, not that you idiots! For once in your lives, keep your minds out of your pants. I’m talking about Pepe Le Pieux the lovesick cartoon skunk. That poor skunk never even made it to first base with that cat - and then they cancelled his cartoon show.
So you see, most romantics either end up dead, bald and dead or as out-of-work cartoons! Doesn’t say much for romance does it?
Seriously ladies, if you really must know, the quickest way to your man’s heart is through his chest - with a sharp knife.
Anyways guys, Valentine’s approaches. Here’s a solid romantic gift line up. Pick any two: Flowers, chocolate, tickets to a play, candy, jewellery, a love letter, a romantic walk and dinner at a restaurant (and not McDonald’s you cheap bastards).
So, I hope you guys manage to find a way not to screw up like you did at Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You thought she’d love the snow blower. Save her from all that shovelling. That’s what you get when you ask for gift ideas from ‘Biff’ at the hardware store. Think FLOWERS, bonehead! I hate these damned tests of love.
